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What I have learned from a Drunk 3 year old.

By on April 13, 2016
jaci

Written by Jaci Pozdzik

Oh yes I know that I have gotten your attention! What kind of crazy statement is this and should I be reported?  I am going to share with you how I am owning what I have done to myself for years.

I don’t feel that I need to go into great detail of exactly when it all began yet I will share with you that I had a situation in my life that was such an incredibly deep hurt that I chose to start drinking to “deal” with my pain. It wasn’t just one or two after work it was several on the way home, it was drink to pass out just about every single night! And oh my if I had a day off and had to deal with myself all day oh yes I would at times drink all day. I felt that I was a very good functioning drunk. Oh my reflection of all of this oh my who was I trying to fool? Myself.

As anything in life that is so self destructive either you get out of denial or situations will escalate until you change. I knew that after years of so many relationships with other alcoholics and such damage to my relationship with my daughter and other family members, I had to take a look at what the hell I was doing. It was like my life was stuck on repeat and repeat of devastation and so much pain. I had come to the point that no matter how much I drank I couldn’t numb the pain. I reached out for help to discover why and when this started and I needed to heal this wound.

Our outside world is a direct reflection of what we are feeling on the inside. Absolutely so true! Honestly I was trying so hard to change my life yet there was always the repeat as I just said. And there was my skeleton in the closet, I hadn’t dealt with my drinking. I had functioned like this for years and really I need to change this too? My ugliness I felt inside kept showing up in all areas of my life.

It took so much courage for me to admit that I had a problem that I drank so much that so much of my life was out of control and all I ever did to deal with it was drink. Now this is absolutely a learned behaviour in my family yet I knew that I had to find out what it was for me. I couldn’t keep having the excuse that I learned this I had to own my pain I am an adult. I asked for support for this healing from The S.W.A.T. Institute, I knew that I would get the support I needed and I knew that it was and is a safe place for me. My coaching began and in all honesty I had not expected to go to places in my memory like this, to the depth of me feeling this pain. Of course this may sound scary yet I knew that if I let my fear stop me my life wasn’t going to change.

With the guidance of my coach and me having such a need to understand why I kept doing this I let me remember. I will tell you in all honesty my mind is so brilliant I kept trying to rationalize my behaviour as if I was protecting something so deep. And it came. When I let me feel what it was my logical rationalizing mind fell away and I embraced what this incredible pain was.

I was about 27 years old, I had left a very abusive marriage and moved to a different town and was starting over as a single mom.  I was functioning, I had 3 jobs on the go and it was so much a drive to have a good life for my daughter and I. I had remained close to my daughters father, (no this is not the marriage I had just left) him and I fell back into a comfort zone and I won’t say rekindled a relationship yet reflecting it was us trying to support each other in such a disempowered way. I ended up pregnant. So much fear I was stunned yet if I had his support somehow I would have this baby. When I told him his reaction was simple and no compromise. “Get rid of the problem!” Little did I realize the effect this had on me for so many years. A sentence changed me. I had an abortion, and now through my coaching I also saw at that time I gave up on me being a mother. I went from this into becoming a man in so many ways I started operating equipment, driving truck, having beers after work with the guys, always working long hours being away from home. I totally denied me being a mother. Nothing I was doing at that time reflected me being the mother I so wanted to be. And this is when the drinking really started.

The guilt and shame of these years of my life have been a dark cloud of alcohol. The acknowledgment of this has been enormous yet more digging deeper in coaching. How could I deny being a mother a woman? I had tried to live my life like my mom no this hadn’t worked out then the incredible pain and I jumped into being my dad I even started drinking the same beer as he did. Yet where the hell was the real me in all of this? I have pictures of myself from my childhood at 2 and 3 and 4 I let me go back to this my wounded child? No this beautiful shining little girl is me with all the love and the wisdom of the world before I tried to be somebody I wasn’t before I tried to fit in. I was not covered with the disillusion. I know that at this age I already knew exactly who I was that I had so much love and acceptance of me. I knew my purpose in life and I would be an empowered woman. I started to dialogue with this incredible me at 3 and oh my she has so much wisdom. This may sound odd to some of you yet this voice from me is my intuition. I have started to listen I really can’t help but listen. Yet in my coaching and my coming out of denial and sharing with others I have realized that the voice I silenced with my drinking was her. When my intuition was screaming at me for me to open my eyes I would silence her literally I see it as me going to the fridge getting her a beer. I would keep feeding her until she passed out. Hence, be my drunk 3 year old. For so many years I have kept the empowered me drunk “Shhhh just have another drink”

Its been pretty hard to be a writer when I have been drinking, it has also been difficult to train horses, its been difficult to have a healthy relationship with my daughter. Its been difficult to even attempt to achieve any of my goals being drunk. I am not silencing my precious 3 year old me any longer this is taking practice. I have not listened to her for so long. Yet when I listen I write I ride horses I share I inspire people and I love it. I feel her inside of me so happy as if her arms are thrown up in the air to the world in gratitude and love. This is who I truly am.

 

Jaci Pozdzik with her cowJaci practices true honesty in her life, has a degree in life experience, a deep love of animals, and has the ability to leave an imprint on other people’s lives.  After spending time with her, I promise you, her passion and love for life is contagious as well as unforgettable.

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