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What are some of the biggest reasons why marriages break down?

By on October 7, 2023

By Claire Afua Jørgensen

Marriage is a complex and beautiful journey, but it has challenges. It’s essential to understand the factors that can lead to marriage breakdowns, so we can work on strengthening our unions. Let’s dive into the biggest reasons why marriages can face turmoil, backed by facts.

Unfulfilled sexual desires, which sometimes lead to Infidelity

After many years of working with individuals and couples and collecting voluntary data on the biggest issues in a marriage, Infidelity is the one that consistently keeps coming up. It is a painful and devastating breach of trust in a marriage. Research indicates that infidelity is common in more than half of all marriages that are heading towards divorce. Rebuilding trust after an affair is a challenging process that requires commitment from both partners and sometimes, one person just doesn’t want to do the work. I encourage couples to create a safe space to talk about all their sexual desires, no matter how crazy they are. This can help in addressing the core issue before it gets to the other side – an affair.

Lack of Communication

According to research, poor communication is a leading cause of marital dissatisfaction and divorce. When couples struggle to express their feelings, needs, and concerns effectively, misunderstandings can escalate into significant issues. One of the outcomes of a lack of communication in a marriage is each person finds other ways to be without the partner being a part of it. It also leads to loneliness and hostility towards each other, ultimately breaking down the relationship. This is not a good place to start mending a relationship. Issues related to communication almost always require mediation if the couple should get to a place where they are able to salvage the marriage.

Financial Stress

Financial strain is a major stressor in marriages. Studies have shown that financial disagreements can lead to marital conflict and, in extreme cases, divorce. Couples must establish open, honest financial communication and work together to manage their finances effectively. Now surprisingly many people start out marriage without a financial strategy. Typically the conversation comes up only after there is already financial strain which is almost too late. However, even in a situation like that, agreeing to have a good financial strategy together can go a long way. The most typical financial model in happy marriages is one based on a shared economy. Others, however, function as long as both parties agree. The worst financial model I have witnessed is one that actually strives in lower income groups – where one person earns a lot more than the other and the other depends on them. That in itself is not an issue, except typically, the one earning more hides things, and the one who doesn’t earn much has unrealistic expectations. It puts a wrong power balance in the marriage and sometimes can lead to abuse.

Lack of Intimacy

Physical and emotional intimacy are cornerstones of a healthy marriage. A decline in intimacy can strain the relationship, leading to feelings of neglect or dissatisfaction. Couples should prioritize spending quality time together and addressing intimacy issues when they arise. Now, this is not sex per se. But feeling wanted, seen, heard and having your partner as your number one cheerleader. The funny thing is we can accept intimacy the more we are able to relate to people. Our ability to be intimate doesn’t depend on our partner but on our own selves. A good indicator is how one was brought up. Did you get care and affection from home? Do you give out care and affection? The first step in helping a marriage with intimacy difficulties is to work with each partner separately to address any underlying issues. Once this is settled, we may go on to discuss the precise dynamics between the two. This is a problem that can usually be remedied by consulting an expert, yet doing so may reopen old wounds.

Unresolved Conflicts

Marriages are bound to face conflicts and disagreements. However, when these conflicts go unresolved or are handled poorly, they can erode the relationship over time. It’s vital to learn effective conflict resolution skills and seek help if needed. The basic underlying issue for unresolved conflicts is unforgiveness and blaming each other. This is a fairly simple one in my opinion. We choose to forgive and move on or not and dwell on it. There is nothing in between. If we can forgive, we can move on, and we can easily put it behind us. Of course, work needs to be done to get to that place but discussing and over-discussing issues of contention never gets anyone to a happy ever after. Deal with issues immediately, resolve to forgive, and make a deliberate effort to move on and do so very quickly else even the most ridiculous issues can become the reason why we tear everything down and break up.

Cultural and Societal Pressures

Cultural and societal expectations can put undue pressure on marriages. These pressures can come from family, friends, or societal norms, and they may influence major decisions within the marriage. Believe it or not, most people in marriages with significant cultural differences are more likely to divorce than those coming from the same background. Over 70% of mixed couples I have worked with have experienced pressure from family. Some of this pressure sometimes is outright disrespect from family and friends. There is always this expectation that they need to fit into some model. Meanwhile, the fact that they have chosen a mixed relationship is typically an indication of interest in other cultures, adventure, and creating something unique! For such situations, the first painful step is for the couple to create their own value system and accept that they may have to accept that not everyone from their past will be moving on with them in the journey. Of course, we can have civil family dinners, etc., but when family and friends are always finding issues with you or your marriage or your partner, it is unacceptable and if not addressed can lead to a breakdown in your marriage. Educating them is a necessity but ultimately, choose your own marriage and nuclear family first and enjoy the ride of exploration you are on. Create your own marriage whichever way it fits you. It is yours! Enjoy it!

Now there are more issues that lead to the breakdown of marriages. These are just a few. The first step in creating better, healthier relationships is realizing the effect these issues may have on marriages. Keep in mind that many marriages succeed in spite of these difficulties because the partners are dedicated, communicate well, and are prepared to work through the problems together. 

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Claire Afua Jørgensen, who is based in Denmark, is married with two kids. She is an NLP Practitioner and a Christian Marriage Coach. She is currently immersed in the pursuit of a Ph.D. in Neuroscience, Psychology, and Faith. Over the past few years, she has worked with countless couples and individuals, with a special focus on women whose marriages have veered toward the brink of divorce. In her capacity as a coach, she has devoted her energy and expertise to guiding and helping them Save their Marriage. She offers a variety of services, including one-on-one coaching sessions, group coaching, and transformative retreats, tailored to meet the unique needs of individuals and couples facing difficult challenges in marriage. For more information visit https://claireafuajorgensen.coach/.

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