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Victim or Victor...You Choose

By on May 27, 2015

Written by Renate Cunneen

Let’s start from the beginning so you can hear the ‘story’.  I come from all that could potentially place me in the category of ‘failure’ or at least lacking many of the skills needed for success.  My parents split when I was 5; I lived with my alcoholic mother until 9, barely fed and certainly never bathed and then my very short tempered physically violent Italian father (I actually hate typing that as I love him so dearly) until I was 15.  Today, I look back and know they did their best, I love them dearly and our relationships are solid – it wasn’t always this way.

I left home just before my 16th birthday – I would never actually say I left ‘home’ I left a place of fear and abuse, overall darkness surrounded my life, it was like walking on eggshells.  I was blessed to be taken in by my best friend Michelle’s family; they treated me like I was their own for just over a year then off I went on my own.  I dabbled in drugs, alcohol and found myself down a path of deep self-destruction for many years.  I hated working, I was lazy and ungrateful.  I was a victim.  “How could my mother desert me?”, ”How could my father abuse me?”, “Why does my brother do so well for himself and I don’t?”, “Why do she have what I don’t have?”, “Why I am not pretty enough?”…the list goes on and on and on.  I fell so low that I turned to a life of stripping and more drugs – stronger drugs and less love for myself.  I hated myself, truly hated myself.  I spent a lot of my time high or drunk to avoid facing myself and my mounting problems.  Today, I have no tolerance for the self pity that I felt nor do I ever sit in self pity any longer.  We all get stuck in the mud, acknowledge there will be times that you will be in the mud but don’t let it drag you down – rise up victorious.

As children we don’t have the choice or an understanding; it’s not fair that any child should live this way, EVER.  However, as a 46 year old woman, I have a choice.  I can live my life today or I can keep living my story from yesterday.  The story happened TO me, the story is NOT ME.   It’s that, a story from the past; this does not mean sweep it under the carpet, it means be gentle with it and pull it out as needed to heal the wound or to talk about it.  A lot of work went into me being able to see my story objectively, to actually feel deep compassion for my Mother and my Father – who both had terrible lives, much worse than my own life.  The question begs; do we continue this cycle?  How do you become self aware enough to change things for your future and for our children’s future?

What keeps me going?  What motivates me?  It’s plain and simple – attitude.  The great Viktor Frankl said in his book, MANS SEARCH FOR MEANING;

“Everything can be taken from a (wo)man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

There comes a time that you realize that holding all the resentment towards your abusers is only killing you and leaving you as the victim.  There is a great saying by Nelson Mandela;

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

Forgiveness is difficult but it will set you free.  I forgave my Mother for being absent, for being neglectful, for being selfish – deep down that sweet lady was broken and abused herself.  She couldn’t rise up; she could never get past the anger, hurt and neglect.  I often was the Mother in our relationship, she drove me crazy but I adored her.  My Mother was one of the funniest women I know, she loved a glass of wine and we often imbibed with great hilarity, she was extremely intelligent and a psychologist – one of the greatest listeners and her patients loved her.  I forgave my Father.

As a young man he came to New York from Italy to find a dad that left him and his family during the war only to be told to get lost, that he wasn’t wanted.  He made his way to Toronto, broken and alone with no English, he married and then divorced and was left with 2 young children to raise on his own.  No family, no support.  My father had his issues – being an Italian man raising children alone in the early 70’s was unheard of – he had difficulties with it and in turn passed on these frustrations to his children.  However, my Father always made sure my brother and I were fed, respectful, played sports, took us on annual vacations, laughed with us and taught me to work hard and never give up.

My father was athletic (he still is at 76 years of age); he ran half marathons, cycled, volunteered for years at Hospital, old age homes, the Church.  My father was a hard worker who was dealt a shitty hand but he did his very best and today we have a beautiful relationship that is based on love and respect.

I want to leave this earth without anger, without resentment, without enemies.  I chose to have peace over being right.  Today I choose love, happiness, and kindness.  I choose to forgive the misgivings of my parents and I hope one day my son will forgive me as I am sure that I have not been the perfect Mother – far from it.  I choose to be victorious, to shine my light brightly and to leave people feeling good in my wake.  These are your choices as well.

Pray, meditate and above all forgive – TRY to forgive.  It’s not always easy and I know some people have been far more abused than me but if you stay stuck in your story it will hold you don’t.  It will oppress you and take away your power, your joy and your freedom.

Ask yourself today; do I want to continue as the victim or show myself as a victor?

Rise up with me and stand tall in your beauty.

renatetodayBy Renate Cunneen

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