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Transcend Mother’s Guilt with Sacha Sterling

By on April 8, 2023
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I thought is was only me who felt the weight of the world as soon as the stick turned pink. It turns out, after talking with hundreds of women and mom’s, that the collective energy of mother’s guilt is a wide spread experience.

The deep primal desire to protect our young at any and all costs comes at a price: guilt. Always wanting to be enough, love enough, care and tend and make their experience of this dynamic world okay is a big personally assigned task, and sometimes a bit unrealistic. Yes, we agree to be stewards to these little beings that come through us (but are not us) – and those who take on this responsibility consciously are possibly more at risk of debilitating guilt.

I came face to face with my own mother’s guilt recently. My oldest daughter went to the dentist for a routine cleaning and needed not 1, but 3, crowns. I was horrified and shrank into myself at the dentist office. “How could I have let this happen?” whizzed through my mind, along with some not as nice internal dialogue.

Later that day I happened to have my own doctor appointment, where I had a simple procedure turn majorly awry. I walked away with 3 big burn marks on my face (the scars are still healing to this day). It was hard not to see the blaring signs from my subconscious saying “You are being punished for being a bad Mom!”.

I thought I had let it go and forgiven myself until a few months later when I came face to face again with this part of me.

This time I was carrying my younger daughter to our car from preschool, my other daughter in my other arm, holding artwork from the day in my mouth, car keys in my bra (the normal juggling act of mothering young kids). While walking through the gate, Aria started to scream, a chunk of her hair had gotten caught on the gate and had ripped right off her little head.

Both of us burst into tears. Hers from legitimate pain, and mine again from horror of not being perfect and inflicting harm to my 2 year old.

A week later, my own hair began to fall out from my head. I was scared and perplexed. For 2 months my hair shed at an unusual rate and I had no idea why. How could this be happening?! It took me a while to see the signs apparently. When I finally made the realization that I was punishing myself, I fell to the ground in relief.

This time I really took on the responsibility of healing the deep wound that was causing this repeat offender to inconvenience my life – Mother’s Guilt was going to get a talking to!

Our subconscious mind is a powerful ocean of emotion, beliefs, filed away experiences and perspective truths that dictate our current reality. What did we see modeled a “good” mother is? How were we loved and protected? Did we observe and experience healthy consequences to life’s normal unfolding?

For me, I had a library of limiting beliefs that were keeping me scared and trying to control life – which is just not possible.

So here’s what I did to transcend from my own mother’s guilt:

acknowledge:

Really stop and look at the feeling that is just under the surface wanting to be heard. What are you feeling, or avoiding feeling?

dialogue:

Write to this part of you. What are they trying to tell you? What are they afraid of? What are their expectations of what being a “good” mom are? Do they line up with the “Real You’s” version of being a “good” mom?

Allow time for this to unfold for you. Journal and talk to yourself in the mirror. Really allow yourself to be “heard” and “seen” by You.

re-write:

What are you ready to re-write? Maybe you were taught that being a “good” mom is to be self-sacrificing or a martyr or perfectionistic.What has revealed itself to you? Are you ready to break those chains and liberate yourself into the next version of your life as a mom? Oh good!

Write down the old belief. Now cross it out. What are you going to replace it with? Choose a new affirmative belief that fills you with a sense of expansiveness and joy.

Burn or rip up the old belief and place your new one in a prominent place as a happy reminder of your new way of talking to yourself.

get back in the driver’s seat:

Lovingly and strongly tell your Mother’s Guilt that you are a grown woman and are ready and able to be the parent and take care of things. Remind her that she is appreciated but can go on vacation now. You’ve got this, your life, covered!

be gentle:

Some wounds, patterns and beliefs run deep. If you aren’t easily able to uncover or forgive, that’s ok. Take your time dialoguing with yourself and trust that by gently engaging with your thoughts and emotions you are on the path to positive change. Keep to the vision of Peace and you will get there in divine timing. Reach out for additional support from a therapist or coach if you feel in need of an ally through your process. This decision to heal and dream a different dream for what is possible for your life takes courage!

Wrap your arms around yourself and really receive your own love. Speak and think lovingly and kindly to yourself as you would to a small child.

rinse and repeat:

Even when we have had the “Aha” and feel free from our more heavy thought patterns, sometimes we slip into the “old” way. That’s okay. Go back to the beginning and get curious. The more you move yourself through this process of inquiry, the quicker you can get back to the “Real You” – the You that loves yourself no matter what.

 

A helpful mantra for those moments when it feels “too much, too big, too disappointing:”

I am doing my best and that is always enough. I am worthy of my own love now and always.

Finding humor in the unexpected has been a saving grace. It has taken me a long time to surrender into my humanness. But I am human. I’m not always going to say the right thing or love all those challenging parts of myself and the world…and that’s ok. I am here and growing and learning and loving – and that really is enough!

 

SachaSterlingSacha Sterling is a certified Empowerment Life Coach. She trained with visionary coach and teacher Crystal Andrus at the revolutionary S.W.A.T Institute, where she received certification and was recently chosen to serve as Student Liaison.  A naturally intuitive, generous spirit, Sacha has been using her gifts in helping others from a very young age. She offers individual and group coaching programs to help women from all walks of life reclaim their true nature, get clear on what they want, and manifest their deepest desires. Sacha lives in Sebastopol, California with her husband and two young daughters. She thrives in the joy of daily rhythm with her family and enjoys time in nature, reading, writing, photography and yoga. sachasterling.com

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