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The Universe Has My Back. Diana Holmstrom

By on July 10, 2013
fawn and deer

By Diana Holmstrom.

I learn, with a little more clarity every day, that the universe will yield to us that upon which we place our attention. And sometimes, other forces are nearby to help us focus our attention in a positive way rather than a negative one.

I have awakened with a knot in my stomach for a fairly long time. Not every single day, but most days. I used to think it had to do with some specific event or condition; a teenage daughter struggling with an eating disorder; financial difficulties, a man I love who has a different idea about honesty and fidelity, tax woes, the list could go on.

What I have come to understand is that the underlying reason for the anxiety – regardless of the topic upon which my attention rests – is a feeling, a knowing, that I have no faith in Me.

No matter how many times I might pick myself up and shake myself off, deep, deep inside me, there has been an underlying “knowing” that, as I begin the task of picking myself up and dusting myself off and trying anew as optimistically as possible, I am, in the end, going to fail again. Patterns are set. Re-do’s are part of those patterns that have always led in a circle. Each time, a little more faith lost.

For a long, long, time, that deep knowing that I am the creator of all events in my life, that those things which cause my anxiety or sadness or rage have ultimately been based on nothing external, has compounded my fear. Oh my god! Who was stupid enough to put me in charge of this?? Don’t they know I can’t do it? It felt like landing a job you secretly know you are totally unqualified for, and knowing you won’t be able to handle it. A constant state of panic, and efforts, from time to time, to try to pretend, to conceal, to fake your way through. My way through.

Little by little, I begin to have a change of belief; at first based only on a desperate, at-the-end-of-my-rope hope, after reaching for a self help book, one sad and lonely day. Little by little, I begin to consider that if indeed it is always Me at the helm, then surely I can steer the ship in a different direction, take a different course? Scary. Me? Not me, I always fail. This is just another soon-to-fail re-do attempt. On the other hand, what else have I got? A sharp knife?

Until, over the course of the last year, I begin to understand the Why behind the outcomes. And I dig deeper. I begin to see and hear and remember the times a lovely little girl, who felt utterly, magically perfect, slowly learned the lessons taught by those who misguidedly tried to teach her to “fit in”; in time she became confused; the messages and instructions and directives she received over and over again from those who loved her and knew best, were in direct contradiction to her inner voice. She began to distrust her inner voice. Tried to move away from her own Spirit. And the moment she did that, Fear took over. Fear has been in charge ever since.

Now, she is starting to get it. I am starting to get it. Though by now, Life has taught me to be prepared for the worst, because that’s how it usually works out.

I fight, and then allow, and then trust the Universe to guide me, realizing at last that I AM the Universe, and I am beginning to trust Me.

Trusting that the events and conditions that burden me will resolve as I continue on this journey. Having “old” moments for sure, but breathing through them with a new confidence.

And this morning, I awakened with the knot in my stomach…Did I really, really eat ALL those chocolate chip cookies last night? Why did I do that! I knew as I did it how much regret and frustration I would feel in the morning! Damn! Doubt starts to creep in and the day has only just started!!

I wander downstairs to get a cup of coffee. I open a window and look into the trees beyond the fence. Seconds later a doe appears, stops and looks at me and walks on. Soon, a tiny fawn sprints past. And after that, two slightly older fawns and their mom appear. The mom stops and turns her head and looks right at me. I coo at her gently, I want her to stay. She looks at me another moment and then walks over to one of her babies and, just for me, I know it, begins to nuzzle and groom her little one, who reaches up to its mom and licks her muzzle. Right in front of me. So perfect, so loving. She looks at me again, and suddenly all three of them sprint into the trees. And I realize the chocolate chip cookies are nothing.

The universe has my back. I have my back.

 

IMG_0295Diana Holmstrom‘s writing “career” began in the 3rd grade, through an act of deception. A vexing homework assignment, in which she had to write a two page poem describing the color silver, left her frustrated and in tears after the forth line. Inspiration was not coming. Exhausted, she finally went to bed, assignment incomplete. When she awakened the next morning and went down for her breakfast, she discovered a piece of paper beside her plate. Written on it was a lovely, completed poem entitled, “What Is Silver?” Her father had taken pity on her and completed it the evening before. She turned in the assignment and was the celebrity of the school for the next week. Teachers were impressed, the poem was put into the school magazine. It took very little time for Diana to mostly forget that she was not the author of anything more than the first four lines of that poem! Interestingly, she never again had the slightest difficulty writing poems, stories, or anything else. She was a writer. At the time, she didn’t realize the wonderful and amazing lesson she had learned: that our beliefs create our reality. “Writing, for me, is a way to make a connection; a connection between myself and that which is beyond myself, to serve as evidence that we don’t stand in solitary confinement as we so often think we do. We are all connected. Though our thoughts may differ, our feelings are affirmation that we are not isolated beings.”

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