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The Power of the “No”

By on June 5, 2018
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By Katie Kozlowski

Sisters, Countrywomen and friends, Gather round for I have news!

The time has come to use the most powerful word we were taught to NEVER, EVER SAY…. “No”!

Now before you gasp and tell me I should be ashamed of myself, let me share that before I learned to say “no”,  I was a powerless woman whose life did not belong to me because it belonged to everyone else.

Yes, it’s true.  Instead of putting myself first and using that word to protect and empower myself, I shrank and let others have their way over and over, and that left me in the danger zone.

Don’t believe me? Let me explain:

As a young girl, I used to let all the boys kiss me because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings.  Yup, I even let the gross kid Curtis J. do it because I felt bad he had no friends. It was great for the boys, but not so good for me.

As a student in college I did the sexual scenes that made my skin crawl because I wanted to please my professor and get that A.  I got the A, but myself esteem plummeted.

As a young woman in New York, I took jobs that made me uncomfortable because I didn’t want to lose my income or upset my boss; like that time I was dressed as a Morganette in a dive bar alone in Brooklyn. You get the picture.

And even up until last week I struggled to speak that one tiny word when a person I barely know online asked to FaceTime with me without any explanation of what they wanted other than to “just talk”. And while I knew I didn’t want to do it, I still had to work up the nerve to get it out!

At first I felt guilty, but this time, instead of putting that person before me and doing something that went against my own desires and needs I did it. I said “No!” and man did it feel good.

Before you start looking at me cross eyed and think I’m the only one who has issues with this, let me say that this is something we all struggle with and it’s a topic that comes up with my clients a LOT.

Why? Because we’re taught at a young age to be agreeable and happy. We’re taught to smile and play nicely.  We are told to “do as we are told” and to not hurt people’s feelings like my old pal Curtis J.

And because of it, we think “no” is a dirty word. But it’s not! Because if we can’t speak up for ourselves and say “NO”, we end up saying “YES” when we don’t mean it and that always leads to one thing… hurting ourselves.

How many times have you been in a position where someone asks you to do something and while every fiber of your being is screaming “no”, you can’t seem to get the words out?

And then you end up making excuses to rationalize it and explain your way into a “yes” instead, which leaves you feeling angry, exhausted or frustrated?

#Metoo… and yet, I have found that learning how to say “no” isn’t just empowering, it’s freeing because it allows us to put ourselves and our needs first. And when you get that down pat, you end the cycle of hurting yourself for others. And that’s when you get to create a life where you get to say “yes” more often. It’s a win-win!

Now I know it sounds easy and it is, but when you’re programmed to say “yes” breaking the habit and getting it into your system takes time and patience and I want you to get it!

So ladies, let’s get after this. Because it’s way too important to miss and it will change your life.  And to help you get started, here are the 4 simple things I do to every day to embrace the power of “no” that work!

1.  Own it. Don’t be ashamed or afraid to admit that this is something you are practicing. If it wasn’t taught to you, you have every right to not have it in your vocabulary. And by honoring yourself where you are, change and learning is that much easier.

2. Become aware. Pay attention to all the times you find yourself saying “yes” and check in with yourself. Are you doing it because you want to? Or to please others.  Awareness alone will help you begin to better understand your relationship with “no” and allow you to practice it until it becomes second nature.

3. Create a reminder for yourself. You can draw it on your palm like I did.  Or you can write it on your mirror.  But put the letters “no” someplace where you can see them so you can learn how to embody them.  Once they become a part of you, fearing saying “no” will be a thing of the past.

4. Practice.  Yes, literally say the words out LOUD.  Imagine scenarios where you need to express yourself in this way and rehearse it.  The more you practice saying “no” the easier it will be when the time comes and you will already know exactly how to act.

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katieKatie Kozlowski is a master energy coach and spiritual teacher who helps women reconnect with themselves and spirit. She has helped hundreds of women heal and recover from chronic illness, addictions, abuse and trauma by mixing her own life experience with cutting-edge consciousness, relatable lessons, and simple steps. Come play at www.katiekozlowski.com

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