The Ebb & Flow of Friendship w/ Kathy Staran

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By Kathy Staran.

Over the years, through many reflections on friendships, I have come to the conclusion that perhaps the best reason why friends come and go in our lives is that friendships have an “ebb and flow” to them, similar to that of the ocean.  Being a spiritual person by nature, I also believe that a higher power, be it God, spirit, the universe (whichever works for you), brings people in and out of our lives in order to teach us, assist us, support, and/or empower us.

I cannot think of one friend whom I have not learned something from, either about an issue, or about myself.

For example, there are the friends you see only once every few years (or decades!), and when you get back in touch, it’s like it was only yesterday that you last saw them. Or, there are the friends you feel a need to remain in close contact with, as you are both going through similar issues, or going through something another has been through and can assist the other with, offering a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, advice on the best steps to take to resolve the issue, etc. Then there are the friends who are “like an old shoe,” with whom you are comfortable and can be yourself with, warts and all, with no risk of criticism or judgment. This type of friend can drop by unannounced, and they simply do not care or notice if your house is a wreck, and you are in sloppy clothes with no makeup on, etc.

Another type of friend is the one who shares the traits we unconsciously dislike in ourselves. I feel that these people are brought into our lives to teach us by showing us how our more unattractive traits actually appear to others. For example, someone who is very materialistic and egomaniacal can show us that at times, we can behave in such a way that makes others see us as very self-absorbed, selfish individuals, who are full of ego, and only looking at things from a materialistic, selfish and/or status-conscious point of view. Still other friends can teach us to live a more well-rounded, less self-involved life, when we see their acts of kindness/thoughtfulness, their philanthropy, their lack of judgment of others, etc.

The friends we gravitate toward because of shared common traits can show us by example how those traits can be used to further enrich our lives, and how they can also positively affect others.

We meet others in many ways and in many places. For example, I have been a member of a local workout club, where I have met many lovely women, and have made many friends, some of whom have become what I call lifelong “keepers.”  I’ve also met people who have later become friends via meeting them in coffee shops, banks, and even at the self-storage place! Being open to meeting others helps, of course, but I have spoken to many other people (some of whom are very shy!) for whom this is also true.

I have found that friendships really do ebb and flow over time.

I have friends whom I only see a few times a year, where in the past, we got together every week. As life changes and we all go through the different phases and events of our lives, we tend to gravitate toward others who are in the same place in their process as we are, i.e., single, newly married, having children, being childless, being an empty-nester, and of course, being retired. We also tend to bond with others who share the same interests during each phase of our lives. Some examples of this are others who enjoy the same lifestyle activities that we do, be they sports, hobbies, work situations, classes, etc.

In some cases, friends seem to disappear from our lives, only to resurface again after a period of time, at times after many years apart. I recently reconnected with a group of friends from my high school days (ages ago!), and found that we all seem to have more in common now than we did back then! It is incredible to see how people you knew long ago are still the same, yet different too.

I find it amazing that people can come and go from each of our lives, and even though we are not in continual contact, we can still remain valid in each other’s lives, and stay long-time friends.  Social media and e-mail have played huge roles in the ability to remain in touch, and this, of course, has slowed the use of written letters and the telephone as contact methods. In this age of busier and increasingly active lifestyles, it can be difficult at best to stay connected with our friends and acquaintances. It takes a real effort to maintain these connections, but it is so worth it in the long run, as friends will always be with you, to advise, encourage, support, share, laugh with you, and just be there, hopefully for the rest of your life.

Kathy Staran has been writing for over 25 years on a freelance basis, has written articles for various online magazines, and also has published two fiction novels with her husband, Mike. She is also an Interior Designer, specializing in remodeling projects and real estate staging, and is an accomplished ceramic artist as well, specializing in functional pottery pieces and sculpture. She currently splits her time between Troy, Michigan and Marina del Rey, California, and shares her life with her husband and their two cats, Grayson and Tucker.

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