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The Chameleon

By on July 21, 2017
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By Anto M

I’ve been hesitating to post this for a while. I think I actually discovered my wallflower recently as I noticed how she would often hesitate to post her thoughts in response to someone else’s post or about my own recent dialogues within the past few weeks.  Well a new member posted something recently about how they don’t understand or can’t make sense of what’s going on with their own thoughts. Where is this Woman energy we are all looking for? And so I finally decided to post one of my entries.

Old thinking patterns die hard. If you attempt to revisit them even just slightly, they will stick to your thoughts or psyche like a magnet or like two old friends who have reunited after years of absence with a great big, endless bear hug.

I’ve been working hard on breaking old thinking patterns.  I have seriously revisited  my past love relationship to honestly come to terms with certain personal traits or archetypes that surfaced and may have jeopardized it. There can’t be only one person to blame when there are two people involved. It would be naive to think we ourselves were at no fault in the progression of the gradual deterioration of a relationship.

Thoughts regarding  with past relationship came to my attention when I began to experience confusing and uncomfortable feelings with my new type of relationship. We both had inadvertently agreed to the “girlfriend ” label while subconsciously realizing it was not a label that was fitting. I had to take some time away from my new partner to “think & heal”. A week to be exact. I asked for a week because not only was I confused but I was unsure why all of a sudden I was feeling unsure, pressure and not satisfied with my current relationship. It didn’t help that I had recently met up with my ex and realized that she was quite happy with her own current relationship. Her comment of, “yes I’m happy in this aspect of my life (relationship). It’s not a roller coaster anymore” was a subtle reminder of us and our inevitable downfall. It hurt to hear those words. Although our relationship was in constant turmoil with endless trivial disagreements and fighting and very little affection, I didn’t want to hear that from her. She was referring to me. I was part of that roller coaster and so was she in the six and a half years we were together. But it hurt to hear this.

“Can I be so horrible as to be part of the problem of causing an up and down, volatile relationship? Kind hearted, gentle me? I’m such a good person that anyone would want to be my partner. Or would they? I don’t cause havoc in a relationship how can she say this?”

“I don’t want to be rejected in any way, so end it before she does”, said a trembling yet fierce voice within me.

That was my subconscious talking, one of many archetypes, throughout the week time while apart from my current relationship. And I use this term loosely.

Something wasn’t sitting comfortably so I asked for some time alone (1 week). I said I needed time to think and heal. That it had nothing to do with her. I just needed to go through this process and in the words of my lovely coach, “I am going through some healing time and when I do I will come back even quicker every time”.

I thought I was doing well and in my woman energy. I was feeling empowered.

“Look at me! Taking time apart to think about myself for a change!” I thought to myself. “This should work!”

“No you’re not. You’re thinking about yourself and being selfish. You’re selfish and scared and narcissistic. ”

What the hell? Why am I having confusing thoughts? I’m supposed to be in my woman energy?!?!?!

She didn’t take the time apart well. My current “partner”, that is. She had a feeling it had to do with her. She felt it also had to do with the fact that I met up with my ex the night before.

I reassured her it had nothing to do with her or my ex. It was about me listening to my body. My body was saying, “Something’s wrong. Please listen to me.” I’ve come too far to neglect that voice ever again. I kept it hiding under blankets. In the basement. In the dark, cold, shameful corner.

I was not about to stop listening now. Not after the two years of work I’ve been doing alongside my coach and tribe sistars*. Only they have heard my most darkest, sometimes shameful skeletons in my closet. Only they listened without judgement and offered unconditional love to the point of rendering me to my knees and having hope once again in humanity….in me. The grit and tears we endured were what can be compared to a steep climb on a muddy mountain. So many slips, falls, scraped knees and bruises and yet my soul sistars were always there to pick me back up and point me towards the light…onward and upward.

So for the first time that’s what I did.  I listened to my body and put me first in a an actual relationship. But I believe I went about it the wrong way. I asked for a week apart from my current partner. Truth is, work was getting hectic. School was in full out exam mode and I was using the most of my waking time correcting. I also made time to work out. By the time I’d get home, I was done. I would prepare my salad and protein, wash up, take my shower and fall into bed exhausted. I was reaching the end of my energy reservoirs. I was close to running on empty. How was I supposed to have time to stay still in silence, dialogue with myself (my archetypes) and figure why something wasn’t feeling right?

Am I cut out for this? The adult world? Being a woman? What if I’m not? What if I’m trying so hard to make sense of all my archetypes and shades of grey’s in between that I am actually kidding myself?

Here I was, in a relationship for the first time in two years since I broke up with my ex  and I was asking for a week break within the first two months?

My Scared Little Girl grabbed my Lone Wolf’s hand and ran together thinking they were protecting me and helping me to become a woman.

I can’t even trust myself. I don’t even know who’s running the show anymore. How am I supposed to know when I’m in Woman energy?

This left me exhausted. Consequently my victim appeared alongside my Martyr.

“Anto, you can’t do this! Look at yourself! It’s too much. Don’t make anybody hurt you. You’ve been through enough! Do you want to spend another two years in therapy?!?”

I got angry….and annoyed. I suddenly saw four faces within one, changing interchangeably, approaching me. Four familiar faces that seemed to have always worked together to keep me …..safe. Behind the Victim, Scared Little Girl and Martyr, stood Warrior, firmly and fiercely with a tear in one eye and gritting her teeth while her lips quivered.

“I can’t let anyone take advantage of you! She doesn’t want the same thing as you! What do you think she’ll soon do when she realizes your goals are not similar to her’s? She’ll get rid of you! End it. End it before she ends it. You don’t want to be rejected, you hear?!?! We can’t go through this again!”

These archetypes, they sometimes work in triads or more behind one face. I like to call it the Chameleon. They know each other so well. They work like a team, a small army.  They know just what to say and when. They are so on cue that sometimes you can’t recognize which one is stepping forward. Is it the Scared Little Girl? The Victim? The Martyr? The Warrior? Or is it Woman energy?  I can’t think anymore and it’s exhausting me.

“I’m not cracked up for this shit! I just can’t figure out what the hell is going on, who’s talking, who needs what and what to do!”

“I surrender!!! Okay?! I’m putting up my hands. I don’t want to think anymore. Done. DONE! ”

A distant voice whispers softly between the changing faces and amidst the shades of grey’s, “be gentle with yourself. ”
My chest fills with overwhelming heat, rises up my throats almost suffocating me. My eyes well up with tears. I know what comes next. Uuugh.

Why do I feel like I take not two or three steps back and one step forward but gigantic leaps backwards, falling into sludge. I’m only crawling by my lip forward. Is this called progression? Fuck it! I can’t. This is blatant masochism.

“Be still,” She says.

Uugh, stop with this ridiculous notion that I need to stop in order to move forward!

“You cannot see through blurred vision while running.  Stay still Anto”.

“Uugh, another stab. She’s right. It’s simple. I need to stop. It makes sense. ,” I thought, as I began surrendering to myself. That’s why most of my answers to many difficult dilemmas in my life came when I was in the weight room lifting heavy. My mind had cleared of any outside influence. It was just me and lifting heavy weight. The cloud would lift as I was in a comfortable familiar pain that would release as I breathed rhythmically. It was simple.

I was creating my own roller coaster. I needed to get off of it.

I wanted so much for the things I long for that I was forcing it instead of allowing it to flow to me because….I was scared, doubtful, insecure, and angry.

And so I know when my body cannot fathom an answer from one single archetype, it is the Chameleon that steps forward and gets her hands dirty. She changes faces as quickly as my thoughts pass my psyche. She is there to warn me it is all too much. I have to stay still instead of running towards an answer. I have to breathe deeply rather than hold my breath. I have to have faith to leap into the darkness whilst knowing I have my own back.

I have to acknowledge the other archetypes fully in order to make sense of what is going on around me. Ironically, I also need to acknowledge “nothingness”, “stillness” and surrender in order for my Woman energy to appear. She is fierce, intelligent and omniscient but I cannot grab and hold onto her. It’s as though we try to grab a hold of water as we would try to grab hold of a person by the arm.  As soon as we close our hands into a fist, the water has seeped through crevices between our fingers and our palms and we are left with nothing. If we try to catch it faster and more vigorously, the end result is the same; no water. Thus leaving us feeling frustrated and incompetent. But if we stay still or sway gently with open hands, the water will surround every inch of the pores of our hands and it will not run away from us. Both water and a person’s arm are physical and can be “caught” but in very different ways.

I need to have faith that She will present herself when I surrender and am at peace. I need to stop trying to grab my Woman energy by the arm and have faith that she is always there. She will appear when I have stopped and have started to listen patiently.  She will be known when I acknowledge the unknown.

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antoMy name is Antonietta. Most call me Anto. I am a teacher and personal trainer who has a passion to empower women. I’m on my own life-long journey to constantly discover my ever-evolving self but my wish is to perhaps inspire, encourage and give insights to other women with their own journey.

I come from an Italian-raised family with three older sisters. We grew up poor and we were never encouraged to share our emotions. I was born with a blood disorder which has required me to receive blood transfusions every three to four weeks since I was born. Growing up with this disease, I often separated myself from others and viewed myself less than ordinary. I’ve had to grow up with sticking needles in my stomach every night to chelate the excess iron that was a build up due to chronic transfusions.

I’ve also had to deal with the fact of being infected with a deadly virus due to tainted blood and subsequently going through one of the worst treatments for 14 months to eradicate it. I am blessed and grateful that the treatment worked for me and that I have the strength and courage to live a very healthy and active lifestyle. I’ve battled depression as well as body dysmorphia for most of my life. The gym has kept me sane and sound.

My quest has always been for achieving self-reliance, resiliency and true unconditional love for myself and towards others. I want to share this quest with other women.

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