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Teflon Coating or Love Sponge?

By on June 14, 2014
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By Edie Weinstein

Most women are introduced pretty early on to the importance of being caregivers, soothers, compliment givers, and cheerleaders. We look after our families and praise our friends wildly. We are ardent advocates for those we love. All good, right?

But what happens when we are in a position to receive all that juicy stuff?  Hands go up (even if symbolically) and we deflect with a ‘who me? ‘Attitude. 

Consider the idea of a Teflon frying pan and a sink sponge to illustrate the point. What is the purpose of Teflon coating on a frying pan?  It keeps whatever was being cooked on from sticking and it allows food to slide right off.” And a sponge?  It is used to soak up liquid and when it is filled up, it needs to be wrung out to continue its job. Most of us wear our Teflon shields when it comes to receiving compliments when we would benefit from being what I refer to as ‘love sponges’. In that way, we can wring the love that we soak up onto those in our lives. On the flip side, the Teflon coating could be used to allow criticism to bounce right off, rather than soaking it in.

In my daily life and in my work as a therapist, writer and teacher, I have witnessed first -hand what happens when women reverse those dynamics.

I grew up with parents who were consummate givers and volunteers and learned the value of giving from the heart, rather than obligation, although I absorbed the unspoken message that if I could do something to help others, it was incumbent on me to do so. “Because I can,” has become a mantra of sorts. The downside is that as someone in recovery from co-dependence, I need to be acutely aware of what happens when I take on too much. I live a busy-buzzy life with a monkey mind that doesn’t rest even when my body is calling out for respite. My growing edge is saying no, knowing that it is a complete sentence. 

Self- care is crucial if a love sponge is what we desire to become.

In my case, sometimes it means turning down invitations to do things that others ask of me. Recently a colleague inquired if I was willing to take on some additional tasks since, due to her increasingly hectic schedule, she needed to prioritize. Although my ego was strutting in response “Ooohh, she trusts me enough to ask,”, my wise mind who knows I am already stretched like Gumby on steroids, had an immediate self -preserving response, which was to kindly decline. Quite an accomplishment for this people pleaser! I zipped back an email and received thanks from her for being honest. In the throes of the ‘disease to please,’ I would have been afraid of her disapproval. Hard to imagine the woman I was 15-20 years ago, who actually felt that way. 

I have also learned that in my desire to be a generous giver to the exclusion of being a gracious receiver, I was not only blocking the flow of abundance in my life, and preventing others from experiencing the gratification of having their gifts received, I was also being pretty arrogant.

Huh? You heard me. Those who are not willing to receive may be thinking “You need me, but I don’t need you.”  Picture a little girl, foot stomping with arms crossed and a pout on her face, declaring “I can do it myself!” Sure you can, but why would you want to?  Part of the reason is that when you are the giver, it’s a power position. You are in charge. You decide what to give, to whom, how much and how long you give. When you are on the receiving end, you are at the whim of those from whom you are asking for whatever you want. 

It can be challenging to ask for what we want, since to do that is to risk rejection. Imagine sitting in front of someone and making an outrageous request, such as “Will you drive me cross country in your car, provide food, sleeping accommodations en route, listen to whatever music I want on the radio, you do all the driving and it’s all on you financially?” Likely you would expect that person to say no and it would not wound you in any way. Contrast that with asking someone you love for a hug, a kiss, a massage, to listen to you or to go on a date and their response is no. You would be more invested in the second scenario than the first, so it might sting a bit more. Rather than making it mean that they were terrible and you were unworthy, you could reframe it to the idea that it was a lesson in self -worth no matter what.

These days, I am increasingly willing to allow myself to be showered with all manner of gifts from a Universe that wants to douse me with delight. Unaccustomed as I had been to be in receptivity mode, I have been amazed, but not surprised by what has come through. Friends, gifts, invitations, compliments, job opportunities, insights and inspiration have been frequent callers at my door. I am welcoming them to enter.  Are you?

EdieWMoser_Terree_Yeagle086-266x400Rev. Edie Weinstein, MSW, LSW is a Renaissance Woman and Bliss Mistress who delights in inviting people to live rich, full, juicy lives. Edie is an internationally recognized, sought after, colorfully creative journalist, interviewer and author, a dynamic & inspiring speaker, licensed social worker, bliss coach & interfaith minister. She speaks on the subjects of wellness, relationships,  spirituality, sexuality, creativity, time management, recovery, body image, mind-fullness, self -esteem, stress management, re-creating yourself,  recovery from trauma, caring for the caregiver, loss & grief.  She is a frequent guest on radio & tv & enjoys being on the other side of the microphone. She is the host of All About Relationships on Vivid Life Radio  www.vividlife.me Her website is  www.liveinjoy.org

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