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How to regain your identity after a ‘Lockdown Breakup’

By on June 16, 2021
sandra

By Sandra Wood

There is no denying that the pandemic has placed considerable stress and strain on relationships. Recent analysis of the number internet searches for ‘divorce solicitor’ saw figures soar in January of this year, with Northern Ireland taking the lead, followed by Wales, England and Scotland. A similar peak in searches for a divorce solicitor was seen immediately after the end of the September 2020 lockdown, suggesting that being ‘locked down’ with a significant other has pushed some relationships over the edge.

‘It’s often difficult when a marriage or relationship ends’, explains divorce coach Sandra Wood. ‘It is normal to feel at a loss of who you are. After all, you have been someone’s daughter, girlfriend, wife, and partner. You may have spent the last five to twenty years in that role.’

‘Many of us went into our relationships in a space of love and a vision of what our life was going to be and coming to terms with our fantasies and dreams about the relationship and the reality of what truly happened is crucial to moving forward and preparing for the next chapter.’

It’s often really difficult and painful at first, but the good news, explains Sandra, is that when you recover and create a new life out of the ashes, you can ‘generate a new identity that is of your own making’ where you get to ‘sow the seeds of starting over, rebirthing and rediscover who you are now’.

Here are 7 ways that you can create a new identity for yourself if you are going through a lockdown divorce:

Spend some time reflecting

‘Think about your dream of what you hoped your marriage to be and acknowledge it’s okay to grieve that piece’, explains Sandra. Most of us think we are going to live happily ever after or some version of this. Ask yourself What was your dream for this marriage?

‘Taking time to reflect can move you forward into creating something that is more compelling and honours who you are, beyond your role in that relationship,’ she explains.

Identify your values

Sandra suggests figuring out what you value most so that you can ‘make decisions with more clarity and start to tease out what you want as opposed to what other people want from you’.

Write your values down and post them around your house, in your car, at your desk. ‘This keeps you thinking about them and how they show up in your everyday life’, explains Sandra.

Some examples of values include; Freedom, Autonomy, Self-Sufficiency, Honesty, Confidence, Connection, Stability, Humor, Wisdom, and Integrity. What are yours?

Give yourself time

‘There is no timetable on how long you need, or it will take to re-discover who you are now and who you most want to be,’ explains Sandra. It takes time to ‘synthesize a relationship ending’.

While others may see you doing better a few months after your breakup, the fact is shifting your identity and processing the years of your marriage takes time, and ‘it will be different for everyone’.

Find positive distractions

Sometimes we need to grieve and other times it’s helpful to move into other things, explains Sandra. Some of things we need to do are important to surviving the breakup, especially if they set us up for a better situation.

However, some days are just hard and it’s nice to go do something else. ‘If you love to bake, make a cake. If you need to take a drive and enjoy the sunshine, take the time,’ she advises.

And if you feel stuck in a rut, distract yourself with something fun and shift your energy.

Value your experience

‘Take time in between the chaos and give yourself some breathing room to honor all that you did, learned, and will become moving forward’, suggests Sandra. Use the ‘friction of your experience to make new things happen for you now’.

Sandra warns that if you don’t look back on what you learned, ‘you might repeat the patterns of the past, and more than likely there are things you would rather not do again’.

Ask yourself, What lessons did you gather from this experience? To stand up for yourself differently? Do you listen to your intuition more easily? To make better agreements on who is doing what?

The list of things you learned is endless, says Sandra and you should ‘Give yourself credit for the education even if you didn’t do it perfectly.’

Take Inventory

‘It becomes easier to let go when we know what we are moving away from and what we want to attract more of the next time around,’ explains Sandra. She advises to make a list of what worked and what didn’t, so you ‘have clarity moving forward’.

Consider questions like, What was lacking in your relationship? What did you appreciate about your partner? What are deal breakers in relationships for you now?

Love yourself regardless

Even if you have been mistreated, something within you learned something, something within you gained something, explains Sandra. This is not meant to ‘bypass the pain or put a sugar coating on difficult challenges’, but act as a step toward bringing love to yourself and the whole situation.

‘You may not feel any generosity to your ex and the decisions that were made, but you can love yourself and the experience and what you gained from it,’ she says. Often times when we get caught in roles and serving others, we ‘forget about being our own friend and liking our own company’.

When you make the time to be with yourself, you are creating a stronger identity, explains Sandra.

 

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sandraSandra Wood helps divorced women regain their identity and confidence, bring clarity on what they want moving forward and heal the patterns of their past, so they aren’t repeated.  For more information visit https://sandrawood.coach/

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