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Recognizing the Cycle of Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships

By on January 28, 2024
estrangement rising

By Khara Croswaite Brindle 

Would it surprise you to know that 1 in 12 people are estranged from at least one family member? With estrangement on the rise, further exploration is needed to best understand the complexities that contribute to choosing estrangement from family members.  

As a mental health professional, I’ve witnessed clients expend significant energy on the possibility of estrangement to protect their mental health and well-being. In particular, for adult daughters who have experienced repeated discomfort, hurt, trauma, or risks to safety from their mothers, the decision to estrange is neither impulsive nor rash. When exploring their current relationship, their growing awareness of alienation, lack of affection, abuse, or neglect can push them to consider cutting ties. 

Working through this complex, painful experience with several women clients has enabled me to recognize a pattern in their process — a process I’ve come to describe as the Estrangement Energy Cycle. To explore this cycle, let’s follow the journey of a client I’ll call Gina. 

Gina sought out therapy to process her divorce, reporting feelings of depression and failure. As she moved towards deeper work, Gina began to question why she allowed multiple people in her life to exert power and control over her. She discovered that the start of this relational pattern resided with her mother. 

At this point, Gina’s Estrangement Energy Cycle’s process began to unfold. 

1. Cycle of abuse – Gina began to recognize her mother’s behaviors as physically and verbally abusive. As a child, she’d learned to cope with her mother’s volatile mood swings by reading her body language, voice, and mannerisms to determine if she should hide in her room until the emotional storm blew over.  

2. Questioning – Having made the connection between an unpredictable and oftentimes unsafe childhood and her honed skill of reading others’ moods, Gina uncovered suppressed feelings of anger and outrage at her mother’s behavior. She began to question her current relationship with her mother and the long-term effects it was having on her mental health. 

3. Relationship rupture – Gina wanted to talk to her mother about her childhood and its impact on her life, yet every time she attempted to share her memories and feelings, her mother told Gina she was exaggerating and remembered things wrong. 

4. Estrangement – Feeling devastated and minimized, Gina determined that she needed some distance from her mother. She started reducing the amount of time she spent with her, claiming her work and her daughters kept her busy, which was partly true. 

5. Grief and loss – As the contact between Gina and her mother dwindled, Gina felt a mix of sadness and relief. On one hand, she felt she had more time and energy to give to people in her life who valued and appreciated her. But on the other hand, Gina was grieving the loss of the mother she wanted and needed — one who could respect her and love her unconditionally. 

6. Discovering sense of self – Amidst her grief, Gina found herself seeking new experiences that left her feeling vibrant and alive. 

7. Deeper work – As Gina began to discover herself and her identity apart from her mother, she found she still struggled with the idea of dating and intimate partner relationships. Her latest therapeutic goal was to address underlying fears of intimacy and connectedness, which resulted in uncovering negative core beliefs of being unworthy, unlovable, and not enough. 

 8. Redefining self-worth – Gina’s therapeutic journey left her feeling stronger and more present than she had in the past. She celebrated having stability at work and solid relationships with her friends. Gina took her role as a mother seriously, wanting something completely different for her daughters than what she’d had with her own mother. 

Each client’s story is unique, and yet Gina’s story is one inspired by multiple clients seeking therapy at a critical point in their relationships with their mothers. Estrangement is a challenging and emotional choice. Having a solid understanding of the estrangement process and stages, as well as tools that can support them on the journey, supports each woman in finding a way to either reconcile with their mother or choose full estrangement.

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Khara Croswaite Brindle is a licensed mental health therapist in private practice in Denver, Colorado. She holds various roles, including financial therapist, TEDx Speaker, burnout consultant, author, and professor. Her new book is Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey through the Estrangement Energy Cycle (Rowman & Littlefield, July 1, 2023). Access therapeutic tools for adult daughters at estrangementenergycycle.com.

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