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Parenting Adolescence: Recovering Control Freak. Natalie Hughes.

By on February 4, 2014
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By Natalie Hughes, Editor in Chief.

The absolute best and worst sentence I could have ever read on parental advice was:

“If it’s not dangerous, unhealthy or morally wrong, let them do it.” ~Barbara Coloroso

Well, it was something like that. And I was all about being bossy pants with my kids, and more specifically my son who was born questioning every instruction and resisting every direction. Do you have one of those…the headstrong, smart but not yet wise, always needs to ask why, produces lawyer-like stealth reasoning in times of disagreement which are often…kind of kids?

I have what must be the prince of those kids. And I will tell you he has taught me more about myself than probably any other person on this planet. (Don’t tell him that though, it will just make him argue better.)

When he was around 12 I was just so frustrated with him after years of his pushing back. He just could not follow simple direction and had to modify everything to suit him, leaving me with a pile of something close to resentment for his behaviour. I’m not ashamed to admit it because every relationship that has unresolved anger will have a wall built… even relationships with our own kids. I still loved him, hugged him and rumpled his hair, but there was a block and I felt it.

Barbara-Coloroso-Kids-are-worth-it1There I was, doing the best I knew but failing miserably, until whoa. I realized that I magically had a copy of the very book that an acquaintance had recommended to me in my own house. I’m not a hundred percent sure how it got there, but possibly it was part of a package of literature that was sent to us as a wellness kit from a workplace employee program. But there she was–Barbara Coloroso–like a white haired angel smiling out at me from the cover of “Kids are Worth It,” urging me to dig in and get the answers I was looking for.

It shakes you to your core when you find out you’re doing wrong by your kids. It’s a bit devastating, really.

I remember a moment when I looked down at him as a baby, at his sweet brown eyes, and I knew all I wanted for him was his happiness. I understood in that moment what my parents had wanted for me and even what the universe intends for each of us. But I got lost in allowing my own need to control to get in the way of his joy, my sanity and our relationship.

Barbara describes 3 parenting styles in the book: jellyfish, backbone and brick wall. They pretty much explain themselves, don’t they? I may have been banging my head–and his–against a brick wall of senseless rules when I should have been a backbone-like support of love and structure. I was trying so hard not to repeat jellyfish parenting from my past, I had swung the pendulum the other way.

Once I used Barbara’s filter of dangerous/unhealthy/immoral I could not believe how easy my decisions were and how few arguments I had with my son. I did say yes more often… and it felt great. And when I said no, there was always a firm reason that was in his best interest and because of that, he didn’t seem to push.

For example:

Kiddo: “Mom can I walk over to the electronics store with my friend and trade in some of my old video games?”

Old me: “Which games? Why? But I bought you those-and-3-more-reasons-why-you-can’t..”

New me, Inside voice: “Is this immoral, dangerous or unhealthy? No, no and no.” Outside Voice: “Yes, that seems fine. Does 2 hours seem reasonable to be back for supper, then?”

Kiddo: “Yep. Awesome. Hey, can my friend come for dinner afterward?”

Old me: “I haven’t planned for an extra person-blah-blah-blah-reason-why-I-have-to-say-no…”

New me, Inside voice: “Is this immoral, dangerous or unhealthy? No, no and no.” Outside Voice: “Yeah, sure buddy.”

He turned 15 this year, and we have an understanding that I’m looking out for him but I’m not staring him down… I’m a strong support system but I’m not four high walls with no exit. And what I really appreciate the most is that there is no anger, no frustration. I get to love him.

And it does not get better than that.

 

natalie_hughes_woodNatalie Hughes, editor, writer, performer and songwriter, is a gifted interpreter of the human experience, expressing passion, humor, heartbreak, healing and freedom to a depth that few writers reach. Natalie is also the Musical Director for Crystal Andrus Productions, providing music for short films, international speaking engagements, and powerful meditations. Hear her in music and conversation weekly as the co-host on The Crystal Andrus Show. Natalie lives along the picturesque waterways of Peterborough, Canada with her husband – photographer Michael Hurcomb – and her two children. For more, visit nataliehughes.com and find Natalie on iTunes,  Twitter and Facebook.

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