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My Why

By on March 21, 2022

By Katy Gaffney RN, BSN

It was an early January morning, and I felt different. Something was different. I knew it before seeing it on the test in the bathroom. I was pregnant.

My new husband and I were excited to have a family. We dreamed of starting one together. We had just started “trying” and became pregnant in the first month of trying. The two pink lines that came back confirmed that I was pregnant. I was so excited to tell my husband. We were both crying and jumping up and down and calculating in her our head the due date. When would baby us be due? September! Spectacular!

I went to the doctor. They also confirmed the pregnancy and ensured I would be due on 9/13/2011. Early February 2011, I woke up with back pain.

I got up, went to the bathroom, and noticed a tiny bit of spotting. Shit. Shit. What did this mean?

My nurse brain kicked in. How many weeks am I? What does this mean? I soon found out what it would mean.

Within 48 hours, I was in the local emergency room with terrible cramps, and I knew I was losing the baby. They sent me to the ultrasound, and I could tell from the technician they could not find an early heartbeat. I was devastated. I was in physical pain. My husband was devastated. They said to me at the hospital; this is common. It can “happen at my age.” I was 36.

I was never able to become pregnant again naturally. The following seven years consisted of deep sadness, IUIs, and IVF. I became pregnant two more times with the assistance of fertility medication. I lost both pregnancies again in the first trimester, and again my age and diagnosis of “unexplained infertility” was given to me. I also had a chip on my shoulder. No one in my family had lost a pregnancy. They ended up saying all the wrong things, and I was enraged when one stupid thing was said to me.

I never did experience that carefree joy I felt in my first pregnancy. I never felt the “knowing” I felt in my first pregnancy. I was out of my body and onto a lab page showing dismal “old lady numbers,” and I was chasing after my last good egg before my age beat me to it.

It has taken me years to heal from this. I am on the other side, and while I do not have the baby in my arms that I so wanted. I have a strong knowledge of something I wish I had been given while going through this.

This is MY WHY.

I want women to know they are so much more than their age, lab reports, and how many follicles they produce.

In my first pregnancy, I was open and flowing, which is why it happened so quickly. I ended up getting stuck in grief, shame, and guilt. I ran around in panic and scarcity chasing one healthy egg since I was “so old,” and I could not seem to dig myself out of it. It became damn near impossible for me to get pregnant again, but I do not believe it was my age. I think it was my inner world.

I believe fertility, like anything, can bloom by listening to our hearts and bodies, and the lab test is not the end-all, be-all. I am hoping to pass this knowledge on and empower women to use their ability to become successful on their journey

 

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Katy Gaffney RN, BSN, is an Oncology Nurse with over 20 years of experience, and an Empowerment Coach. She became certified as a Personal Empowerment Coach by The SWAT Institute in 2021. She is passionate about passing on the knowledge that has helped her improve her life. She lives in Maryland with her wonderful husband and two dogs.

 

 

 

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