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Moving On…

By on October 31, 2016
moving on

Written by Elizabeth Cowie

It’s the point in your life when one door has been closed, sometimes it’s softly and others it is resounding slam. You find yourself walking a long tunnel like hall. You are somewhere between the past and the future. It feels like the tunnel never ends. There is a light there blinking in the distance, but not getting brighter as you walk.. staying constant and flickering. It becomes the point of frustration when you believe that the door should be the next one, or down the next hall, or maybe you have passed it and should turn back?

It is a series of unanswered questions, crippling doubt, fear for yourself and your family, negative self-talk, socially awkward encounters with friends and family members. It’s the slightly embarrassing questions about if you are dating to the completely mortifying question of your sexuality. It’s the pain of not knowing who you are without being the partner of … it’s the crisis of identity that makes you wonder who you are.

If you believe in purgatory I desperately hope you never experience it.

To be blunt it’s torture. During this time as I struggle to figure out who I am, a habit of second guessing every decision I have made over the past five years is my new normal. Yes I’ve made mistakes. I’ve been financially irresponsible. I’ve chosen to date men who I knew were users, losers and liars. I have allowed my self-respect to be compromised by a few pretty words when I felt undesirable. I’ve allowed people to tear me down for not responding the way they think I should have and I’ve allowed people to build me up based on the strength of character they perceive I have. I have lost the confidence in my friends. I have lost the confidence in my family. I have allowed them to know a fraud and I’m terrified that if they find out the truth they won’t like me or love me.

The transition created a fraud. I thought I knew… I really thought I knew.

Reality is I know nothing about who I am as a woman. NOTHING. I have lost any sense of belief system in what is appropriate behaviour. I have lost the confidence in my inner voice. I have lost the confidence in my appearance.

My inner voice screams at me “Can you be patient? Can you do the work? Are you ready?”

While this sound incredibly pessimistic, in seeking closure, I have opened new wounds while trying to heal myself. I know that these wounds are needed. Each ugly question becomes a wound I need to heal and it challenges my beliefs, changes my thoughts and above all molds me into the person I hope to become.

What I am now

I am a human being who made mistakes. I allowed situations that made me uncomfortable to push myself to feel something other than empty. I didn’t trust my instincts because I felt that they had failed me before, but I didn’t listen, the whisper was to quiet. I needed it to SCREAM at me not to do that. I acted the part of wounded woman because I didn’t know what else to do. I haven’t failed my friends at all. I have failed myself in working on those friendships and allowing them into the inner sanctum. I’ve not allowed anyone to see the great and powerful Elizabeth… I haven’t had the courage!

What would courage have me do?? Oh my friends, just you watch … I can’t wait….

Today the light flickers a little stronger as I walk the hall… The feeling of purgatory is changing to a feeling of personal freedom and knowledge. The feeling of being tortured has changed to being taught. The drudgery of not having answers is replaced by the accomplishment of finding the truth.

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