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Love, Sweet Love
I recently wrote an article titled “Your Love Life Reveals You to Yourself!” In it, I shared:
“When women collectively rise up and through the disempowerment that has permeated our gender for thousands of years, all of our lives will improve. We will feel expansive rather than restricted.”
The truth is, many of us forget, or were never even taught, what life was like for our great-grandmothers. Although she didn’t shoulder the burden of making money or paying the bills, her future and that of her offspring depended entirely upon the man she married.
Women prayed that the man in their lives would be gentle and loving because if he wasn’t, the woman had no recourse. They prayed their man would be a good provider and would bring home his weekly paycheck: if the men didn’t, the women couldn’t.
During the early history of the United States (well . . . really, let’s say it: worldwide), men owned their wives and children. Women couldn’t keep their names or possess any property or assets—even her inherited family home became the property of her husband. If a man chose to send their children to an orphanage, the mother had no defense. The women also had no rights over their own bodies, although the men had full rights over their wives’ bodies.
Crimes against women weren’t considered serious. Although women’s “purity” was expected, rape was almost impossible to prove, and unless a black man faced charges for raping a white woman, the punishment was negligible. Women simply weren’t deemed valuable—at least, not in the eyes of the law. You can imagine the rage women must have felt. It’s no wonder that when the second wave of feminism came along, women chose to fight for their rights and to stand up for themselves in an unprecedented way.
In fact, in 1971, the year after I was born, a woman living in the US still could not:
- Get a Credit Card in her own name without her husband or father’s consent.
- Serve on a jury.
- Get an Ivy League education.
- Take legal action against workplace sexual harassment.
- Decide not to have sex if their husband wanted to – spousal rape wasn’t criminalized in all 50 states until 1993. Read that again…1993.
- Take the birth control pill: In 1960, the pill was approved for use as a contraceptive. Even so, the pill was illegal in some states. Some of those opposed said oral contraceptives were immoral, promoted prostitution and were tantamount to abortion.
- Oh, and one more thing, prior to 1880, the age of consent for sex was set at 10, with the exception of Delaware – where it was 7 YEARS OLD!
The 70s & 80s was the battle of the sexes — a war was waged, and we all woke up to the aftermath of destruction. And where did all this leave us today?
Reeling in the aftermath . . .
Most men still have no idea what to do, what to say, or how to emotionally support their wives. Some men truly don’t even understand what women are so upset about: “Can’t you just get dinner ready and we’ll talk about this later, honey?”
The women’s movement has unleashed a tropical storm that’s left men feeling bruised, beaten, and totally and utterly confused. It’s left them no longer feeling “needed or respected” — the very worst things that can happen to a man’s ego.
These men are our fathers, brothers, sons, and husbands. And many of these men do indeed need a good scolding. But many others just want to come home to a happy wife, a happy life, and a secure future; they want to pick up the pieces and rebuild: “Tell me what to do and I’ll do it!”
What Can We Women Do?
So how can we put down our weapons and begin the peace negotiations in earnest? Because let’s be honest: there are few things better in life than being in love! We are not meant to be solitary creatures. We are meant to share our hearts and have fulfilling, full-time, mutually satisfying relationships with individuals who, in turn, share their love with us.
One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn, and what I believe most women have a very challenging time with (especially after they have children) is learning the art of receiving — receiving pleasure, help, compliments, money, attention, support, even gifts, you name it. Many women have forgotten about this most feminine aspect of being a woman!
You may not even be sure what I mean by “receiving.” The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines receiving as:
- to get or be given (something)
- to react to (something) in a specified way
- to welcome (someone) in usually a formal way
Without trying to be inappropriate, let’s compare men and women in relationships to the sexual act:
Men are designed to “give”;
Women are designed to “receive.”
In day-to-day life, men are designed to give. They still want and need to provide, protect, and serve. They want desperately to be needed. It is part of their masculine hardwiring. If they can protect and serve, their testosterone soars. But when a man no longer feels needed, he feels worthless. His self-esteem plummets. Marriage Breakdown 101.
Women who navigate their relationships — particularly their love lives — from the Parent Archetype or what I call “Mother Energy” can inadvertently emasculate their partners because they are always behaving like the primary giver and rarely the receiver.
For those of you who struggle in the Parent Archetype, it is important to relax and try to let go of the reins a little! In heterosexual relationships, this means women must stop mothering their men and focus more on self-care and self-love, and allow men to do the giving. Of course, this goes against thousands of years of women being told that they should put their own needs last and the needs of their family’s first.
If you want this relationship to soar, your life has to become about you again — not the patterns that you’ve fallen into, and not even the person you aspire to be but have not yet attained, but the real you! If not, you’ll continue to focus your frustrations and energy on what your partner is or isn’t doing to make you happy.
Focus on your joy. Heal your heart. Have more fun and less seriousness. Take care of your needs. Protect yourself and your interests! You matter! This is the most important thing you can do to improve your love life!
Striving to grow and to heal can be a lifelong process. But as you turn toward your partner, think about how you can provide the kind of loving support that you yourself crave.
The secret for women to remember is to always maintain a little “thrill of the chase,” along with a gentle stroke of her man’s ego!
Yes, keep your edge! Keep your opinions, friends, hobbies, interests, and desires. I know this may ruffle some feathers, but I actually believe it is important for the man to love the woman more. (Or at least, he must believe he does!) Don’t lose yourself in the relationship by becoming too available and too focused on what your partner needs—even after years of marriage. You have to show him love and respect, but don’t be googly-eyed and passive. Be his partner. His lover. His friend. His companion. His muse. His future.
On the other hand, don’t let him get away with being disrespectful toward you. Be an empowered woman but not his mother! It’s the only way to enable him to be an empowered man who will want to love, protect, and take care of you for a lifetime! Make a commitment to stop doing for him and giving so much to him. Stop asking him how he is, how he feels, what he needs, if he’s hungry, or what’s wrong? Focus on yourself, how you are, how you feel, what you need, etc.
It may sound as though I’m asking you to be a tad rude, but I’m not; I’m simply requesting that you stop acting like his mother or caretaker. You don’t need to manage his moods, emotions, diet, or finances. You don’t tell him how to eat, what to eat, how much to eat, or anything else regarding his diet. You can provide healthy meals when it’s your turn to cook. You can raise the bar for yourself nutritionally. You can exude great health and a sexy body. But you are not his parent, personal trainer, psychologist, or assistant. Besides, when he realizes that you are no longer nagging or babysitting him, you may be surprised at what happens!
He will see how happy and healthy you are, and he will **know** he better get his butt in gear and step it up, or someone else is going to see the amazing WOMAN you are and he doesn’t want to lose you! Trust me on this one! Focus on you and your joy!
I’m a huge believer in trusting our own inner wisdom. One way to listen to your heart is to ask questions similar to these:
- If I wanted to stop feeling like the Mother, I would ______ (fill in the blank).
- If I wanted to feel like a Woman, I would ______ (fill in the blank).
- If I wanted a beautiful relationship, I would ______ (fill in the blank).
- If I wanted to be a better partner, I would ______ (fill in the blank).
- (For heterosexual women): If I wanted to help him feel like my Man, I would ______ (fill in the blank).
********
Crystal Andrus Morissette, Founder Simply Woman Magazine
From life as a homeless teen to coaching A-List celebrities, from having abs of steel and the Miss Galaxy to weighing over 200 pounds after having babies, Emotional Age and Communication Expert Crystal Andrus Morissette is a worldwide leader in the field of self-discovery and personal transformation. A media darling, she has been featured numerous times on Oprah.com, the New York Post, Fox TV, the Daily Mail, CBS Radio, CTV, CityTV, Global TV, Slice TV, the Globe and Mail, and the Toronto Star. Crystal is the founder of the S.W.A.T. Institute (Simply Woman Accredited Trainer), an empowerment coach certification exclusively for women that she created with fellow female visionaries Louise Hay, Marianne Williamson, Dr Christiane Northrup, Colette Baron-Reid, and Sandra Anne Taylor among others. Established in 2009, the S.W.A.T. Institute is now in over 30 countries.
Crystal is the author of five best-selling books, including her latest release entitled, “Simply…Woman: Stories from 30 magnificent women who have risen against the odds!” She is also certified in nutrition, sports medicine, and yoga.
Crystal’s message of resilience, strength, and inner power has allowed her to grace the stage with speakers such as Dr. Phil, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Naomi Judd, Suze Orman, Marianne Williamson, Louise Hay, Dr. Christiane Northrup, Dr. Joan Borysenko, Debbie Ford, Sarah Ferguson—Duchess of York, and many more. Crystal has coached women from all walks of life including A-list celebrities, best-selling authors, scientists, doctors, dentists, and lawyers to stay-at-home moms and struggling teens. Her passion is to get down in the trenches and help people become the (s)heroes of their own lives.
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