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Journey Out of Shame

By on September 15, 2020
shame

By Jane Turlo

Since I can remember, I have gone to great lengths to hide the skin on my chest and back because I have raised scarring from acne.  I started having acne when I was in my early teens, and by the age of fifteen, the skin on my back and chest began to change.

It took on a life of its own. After dozens of doctors’ visits, and no effective treatment, I learned to live with it by hiding my skin.  I offered up excuses as to why I did not shower after gym class or why I wore a t-shirt to swim.  I quickly learned to plan what I would say if someone saw my scars and asked about them.  I felt embarrassed, anxious, and ashamed.

When I entered my twenties and thirties, my shame around my scarring escalated.  It was difficult beginning any intimate relationship because I always felt like I needed to announce that I had acne scars on my back and chest. After my pronouncement, I waited to be rejected, accepted, or something in between.  I kept my shame locked up deep inside myself; I was becoming particularly good at existing around my scarring.

The years went on, but with those years came therapy, seven years of it. Yup, you read that right, seven years. Seven years of hard, in-depth inner work that began to change my life. I was proud of who I was as a human being and woman, no question.  I was self-sufficient, a successful professional, and I was tired of holding onto shame, especially around something I could not control. Still, my skin weighed heavily on me. As my forties was upon me, I decided to seek out a possible solution to improve my scarring. I figured with all the advancements in skincare, I was bound to find something that would work.  I had treatments to inject the scars, peels to rejuvenate my skin, but nothing changed them dramatically.

As I continued to grow emotionally, I met the man I would eventually marry.  As we grew to know each other, and our relationship progressed, once again, I felt compelled to announce I had scarring.  However, this time I felt differently about my upcoming proclamation; I remember saying to myself, screw it, this is who I am, and if someone does not like it, then that’s on them, not on me. Then came the big reveal, and as he looked at them and me, he said, “Jane, you can’t help how you were made.” Nobody and I mean nobody, had ever said that to me.  At first, I didn’t know what to do with the empathy radiating from him, but I embraced it.

My self-work, my courage to show him my scars, and his empathy allowed me to continue to slowly release my shame about how I looked.  My comfort level around my scarring increased as I entered my fifties, and when I say that, I mean, if the scars peaked out and someone said, “what’s that?” (and they did), I said I have acne scarring. That said, I still never wore any revealing clothing because I was fearful that my scars would be the focus. I only felt free to wear whatever I wanted at home with my husband.

I decided to try one more doctor’s visit, a plastic surgeon, but yet again, the message was, there were a few interventions to try with no guarantees the scars would get better, and there was a chance they could get worse. At this point, I decided to end the quest for medical treatment.

When I told my husband I was done seeking a solution, he said, “why don’t you get tattoos over your scars?” And just like the feeling I had when he showed me so much empathy upon seeing my scars, I embraced his suggestion. It excited me. So, I began a new journey seeking out a tattoo artist who worked on scarring.

I found that artist. And as she inked my skin, I could feel a new door opening for me. If I could muster up the courage to walk through that door, I would have complete freedom from shame, fear, and embarrassment around my scarring. My tattoos were the vehicle I needed to take that last step to release what had been holding me back for so long. I had worked so hard to build my emotional foundation, and now was the time to test the waters toward full freedom.

Today I am free with three tattoos, which I consider my badges of courage. I purposely chose designs that represent my spiritual beliefs and gratefulness for my life. Ironically, they were placed to camouflage my physical scars, but what truly healed me was my intense inner work, my courage to believe in myself, and the acceptance and empathy from my husband.  This culmination allowed me to release my shame, fear, and embarrassment and mend my emotional scars.

I share with you, the first time I walked on the beach in my bathing suit and went into the water without a t-shirt, I cried.  The feeling of full-on freedom, with the water and sun on my bare skin without the cloth shield I was so used to sporting, was a day I will never forget.

My struggle with shame, fear, and embarrassment has taught me to be more empathetic to others because we are all more similar than we are different, and we all have struggles.  My inner work has not made me exempt from future struggles, but one thing I am sure of — if and when shame, fear, or embarrassment arise inside me, they will not survive for another half-century.

 

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IMG_2205 (2)Jane Turlo is a passionate woman, podcaster, blogger, and healthcare executive.  She holds an MBA from Northeastern University, works as a healthcare executive, and serves as Vice Chair on the board of directors of ZGiRLS- a company that empowers girls and women to live with zero limitations.

www.janeturlo.com
www.janesgurugab.com
https://www.linkedin.com/in/jane-turlo-mba-chc-768931b/
https://www.instagram.com/janesgurugab/
https://twitter.com/janesgurugab

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