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It’s not what it appears.

By on March 1, 2020
Hospital

By Lindsey Carson

It’s not what it appears.

These two photos were taken 4 hours apart.

What you see is me smiling in a hospital gown and smiling in front of my new car.

What you don’t see is the glaze over my droopy eyes from the drugs and anesthesia administered only hours before.

What you don’t see is my grandma, who came to drive my new car away because I could not.

CarWhat you don’t see are the tears rolling down my face as I curled up in the hospital chair moments before the what as I mourned the loss of my second failed pregnancyWhat you don’t see is the fear that morning as I was getting an ultrasound, hoping it wouldn’t confirm what the doctors suspected.

What you don’t see is my conversation with the receptionist at the clinic a few weeks before confirming what I intuitively already knew.

You don’t see the hope, excitement, and fear six weeks earlier when I looked at the positive pregnancy test.

What you don’t see is the five other tests I took the following weeks to subdue my fear.

What you don’t see is the silent nights with my husband less than three months ago because it hurt too much to talk about our first failed pregnancy and nothing else was worth talking about.

What you don’t see is my trembling finger silencing my husband because I couldn’t bear to hear the words “happy 1-year anniversary” before heading to the hospital to remove our failed pregnancy.

What you don’t see is my husband struggling to zip up my too-tight dress the following day as tears rolled down my cheeks, hoping no one would ask if I was pregnant that day at our friend’s wedding.

What you don’t see is my husband and I racing to the city after receiving a call that the ultrasound that ended up confirming our loss at 13 weeks “didn’t look good.”

What you don’t see is the ultrasound the previous week over three months ago, showing no heartbeat at all.

What you see is a woman smiling in a hospital gown giving a “thumbs-up,” and smiling in front of her new car.

What you see is not the whole story.

Do not compare yourself to, judge, or feel less than the people you see online. People post their happiest moments, their slimmest angle, their most beautiful outfits, and their biggest successes.

A photo is only one brief moment in time, but many moments make up a day. Everyone struggles, fails, experiences loss and heartbreak, and has a bad hair day. You are not alone, despite what the photos you see online. The photo that I chose to share out of the two pictured was the one holding up my keys in front of my new car. Why? Because it’s pain and heartbreak that we try to forget, and happy and exciting moments we try to relive. People are more than their online personas, and so are you.

 

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image0Lindsey Caron is a retired backpacker, lover of coffee, and outdoor enthusiast, obsessed with empowering people to create the life they envision.

As a personal cheerleader and girl who’s made the mistakes, so you don’t have too, Lindsey is passionate about helping the people around her realize their true potential.

Follow her on social media!

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