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My Why

By on April 7, 2022

By Amber Lansdale

I never thought I would find myself in this position. Crying my eyes out, lying in a lukewarm tub of water, and praying to a God I didn’t even know if I believed in. These weren’t your average prayers. I was praying to end my life.

I was too afraid to do it myself, so I was praying that I would just cry myself to sleep, slip peacefully under the water and end the pain and hurt that I had been feeling for so long.

At that very moment, I, Amber Lansdale, had finally hit rock bottom.

This is my why.

I came into this world on a Michigan spring afternoon in 1990. I was beautiful, innocent, and pure. Not a single worry in my tiny, precious, little head.

During the first four years of my life, I grew up in a three-star trailer park. It wasn’t the greatest, but it wasn’t the worst either. My dad worked eight-hour days, five-plus days a week. My mother struggled to hold a job.

My sister was born three years after me and quickly became one of my favorite people.

We moved into our first house when I was 5. Moving meant new friends and a new school, both exciting and scary.

In grade school, I was bullied a lot. I was the weird horse obsessed girl that wore hand-me-down clothing from the local Goodwill store.

My parents could barely afford the mortgage and were living month-by-month. Every month they had to decide what bill could go past due. Somehow, we always had a roof over our heads and food on the table.

My moms’ depression started showing up shortly after we moved. Her depression was so terrible she became a mentally absent mother. I remember coming home from school and watching her sit on the couch and sob endlessly. She never really played with us, just sat on the couch and cried.

My dad never took the time to understand my mothers’ depression. The two of them would fight a lot over household responsibilities. My dad would frequently leave the house just to go for a drive and escape.

I always cried and begged to go with him. I lived with the fear that one day he would leave and never come back. If I went with him, he couldn’t leave me behind.

When I was eight, I was sexually molested by my fourteen-year-old cousin. I still can’t remember exactly how long this went on, but I know it was years. I have subconsciously carried this with me my entire life.

After I hit puberty, I started gaining weight. I then became the ugly, fat friend who wore hand-me-down clothing. My friends were always getting boyfriends while I was getting criticized and laughed at for my weight.

In middle school, I joined cheerleading thinking it would help me make friends and fit in with the popular crowd. I didn’t enjoy cheer, but I was desperate for acceptance.

I dropped out of cheer when my moms’ depression hit a whole new level. Her depression got to the point where she was hospitalized. I felt I needed to be home to help my dad with my little sister and the household chores.

After middle school, I started high school in a new school district. This meant making new friends again.

I made a lot of friends but never really fit in anywhere. I wasn’t popular, but I wasn’t unpopular; I was just there. I was still the nerdy horse girl, but now with braces. Still not popular with the boys.

In my junior year of high school, I finally got the opportunity to date the boy of my dreams. He was the bad boy. My parents hated him. He was bad news, but I was in love.

He dated all my friends before he even considered dating me. I gave up my virginity to him because he told me if I didn’t have sex with him, he’d break up with me and find someone else who would. Desperate not to lose him, I just let it happen.

We were together on and off for many years. I was constantly guilted into sex even when I didn’t want to. This guy was verbally, mentally, and at times physically abusive.

This opened the door to the many abusive relationships that followed. Any serious relationship I was in had some form of abuse. Mostly mental, financial, and some borderline physical.

These stories are my why.

I found the S.W.A.T. Institute back in 2019. Because of the S.W.A.T. Institute, I have learned proper ways to heal my wounds and the traumas I endured throughout my life.

I have gained the skills not only to help myself overcome my past traumas but to help others overcome theirs. I want to share my stories with other women and help empower them. I want to walk with them through the steps I took, the steps I am still taking, to help guide them to a healthier, happier, and more empowered life.

This is my why.

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Amber Lansdale is a certified women’s empowerment coach working towards her master’s certification.

Growing up in Grand Rapids, Michigan, Amber dealt with poverty and family members who struggled with mental health and depression. However, she always felt she had a higher calling in life. After getting her Bachelor of Science degree concentrating in echocardiography and vascular sonography, Amber has worked as a cardiovascular sonographer for the past seven years. She has spent the last three years working as a traveling technologist, moving to many beautiful states for work such as Hawaii, Wisconsin, and New Mexico.

Although she enjoys ultrasound, it was through her training at The S.W.A.T. Institute that Amber realized her real passion is to work with and become an advocate for women survivors of abuse.

 

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