Home   >   Feature   >   I Lost Me.

I Lost Me.

By on February 16, 2017
zzzzzz

By Jeanette Meditz

I dreamed of me.

I knew where me was. Me was watching everyone searching for Me but me was not playing hide-and-seek this time.

I saw her. She had put her lone shoe in a specific spot for her mommy to find so that her mom would know something was up.

My jersey, was hung on a tree, flapping in the wind, like a flag of hollow warning for the other sissy to snatch up in glee because it was our signal that her other one was playing since I didn’t wish to frighten any of us.

He didn’t see me but I touched his shoulder – “Right in that spot” – just to comfort him in his inability to show how worried he was that his baby had chosen to go missing again.

But that’s the sad part, I truly had gotten lost this time.

My mirror showed a complete and utter stranger as my eyes searched high and low for the other one of me.

Where had I gone?

Why did I think it was not a time to be out playing now?

What went belly up in my youngest of minds to cause me to seek the solace of total silence, obscurity, and no-names?

Oh, the wailing cries that sounded out as they looked everywhere. Nothing could coerce me into showing this part of that beautiful self.

It simply was not a safe zone, being out there.

It’s not funny being this shut-off.

There’s a sense of self-hate that festers during these times of seclusion.

Yet, there’s no way on God’s green earth that my girlie will dance for joy whilst that Nasty-Nasty is running the other one’s show.

It’s quite nice just playing alone.

I’m having fun here, all by myself, watching the clouds skittle across this inner, blue sky.

There might be clouds and thunderstorms out there but in here, I’m blinded by my sunshine of opportunities.

Hmm, that’s a bit of a problem because to walk into those opportunities, me must step back into her “all of them” so that she can be part of their combined presence.

Sigh!

I guess I can still play inside as I align with them although there are quite a few of those itchy bitchies that I either don’t like or who scare me silly.

I suppose, deep down inside, I know they all need me.

In a way, it’s heartless staying away from each of them when I’ve always brought the sunny days and starry nights to their parties.

I must be honest. I’ve always felt a bit selfish about sharing my happiness with their hardness and chilly coldness.

If I maintain this hidey hole, they won’t ever locate me! Courage would have me sneak out, catch them unawares and make them laugh out loud at what they will imagine was one of my pranks because I had them fooled into thinking they’d lost me.

Truth is, I almost didn’t find me.

It can get dark down here. I can’t see on those bad days.

It’s raining today but it’s time, right now, to lighten up our world and be the party girl.

Don’t wanna said you’re gonna ….so, we did.

********

 

jeanette

Jeanette Meditz writes about the joy of being a woman. She encourages women to embrace the sacred discipline of self-care with an emphasis upon pleasurable living.

For thirty years, she has been married to the father of her many children and has been a stay-at-home-mom. She blogs at JeanetteMeditz.

 

About simply...woman!

We encourage spreading the message of knowledge and wisdom. We appreciate and thank our featured partners for their articles. All information provided on Simply…Woman online magazine is for reference only; the content is based on the authors’ experiences and therefore is not intended as a substitute to the services of a fully qualified professional. Although every reasonable effort is made to present current and accurate information, Simply…Woman makes no claims, promises or guarantees about the accuracy, completeness or adequacy of the information.