How I found Peace of Mind after nearly having a nervous breakdown

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By Crystal Andrus Morissette

I thought this might help someone who doesn’t fully understand me or my work yet….or even more importantly, who doesn’t understand themselves, yet.

It’s amazing what happened once I was fully broken open—stripped-down defenses, heart on my sleeve, shameless. It was as though all these struggles were helping me understand the ‘concept of God’ and why He created the Heavens and the Earth. Why He created us. Why the Universe exists.

I think it was born out of the desire to experience Him Self in a way He simply couldn’t alone. (If you believe God is a He.)

It all began with the Big Bang.

Scientists say the Big Bang Theory describes how the universe came into being. It began as a pea-sized vessel of pure energy or light. All the evidence seems to indicate, that the universe has not existed forever, but that it had a beginning, about fifteen billion years ago.

The theory goes that this tiny container of energy came under tremendous pressure when a specific unknown variable happened from within that caused it to explode.

Fragments of that energy or light began to fall away, separate, and expand from each other. The universe was no longer one. God, in a sense, was no longer ‘one.’ The stars and planets and galaxies were formed from these fragments of light.

Science tells us that we too are composed of this same stardust. We are the same molecular makeup. You can almost say that we are all fragments of God, the Universe, Source Energy.

The amount of energy in the universe has never changed, but the size of the container has. The Bible refers to this as ‘Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, nothing added to or taken away.’

Albert Einstein said ‘Energy is never lost, it is only transferred.’ In fact, science tells us that we live in an infinite, ever-expanding universe and that we are a part of that universe.

Steven Hawking explains it in A Brief History of Time:

“The discovery that the universe is expanding was one of the greatest intellectual revolutions of the twentieth century. With hindsight, it is easy to wonder why no one had thought of it before. Newton, and others, should have realized that a static universe would soon start to contract under gravity. But suppose instead that the universe is expanding. If it was expanding fairly slowly, the force of gravity would cause it to stop expanding and then to start contracting. However, if it was expanding at more than a critical rate, gravity would never be strong enough to stop it, and the universe would continue forever. This is a bit like what happens when one fires a rocket upward from the surface of the earth. If it has a fairly slow speed, gravity will eventually stop the rocket and it will start falling back. On the other hand, if the rocket has more than a certain critical speed (about seven miles per second), gravity will not be strong enough to pull it back, so it will keep going away from the earth forever.”

I explained it this way in The Emotional Edge:

“When someone takes away your ability to expand your own life, you are oppressed, controlled, and disempowered. You begin, as Hawking points out, to “contract,” that is, to shrivel and die. But when you are your own person, able to make your own decisions and follow your dreams, you can expand yourself and your abilities infinitely. Your desires and passions are similar to the rocket firing upward from the surface of this earth. If they are powerful enough, gravity will not be strong enough to pull them back. This, in turn, expands the world around you. Your dreams manifest!”

The necessity of choice is why all our religious texts insist that God gave us “free will.” We must be able to make our own decisions in order to expand consciousness—to be empowered!

When you take away choice, you take away empowerment. When you think you have no choice, you disempower yourself.

We are a microcosm of the universe. We too were born one, whole, complete—a tiny vessel of energy or light, nothing added to or taken away. A tiny vessel of God—like a scoop of water from the ocean of love. But within the pressures of life, as we grew and became young adults, we eventually exploded, metaphorically speaking, or maybe ‘imploded’. . .just like the Big Bang Theory. We fragmented. Separated from our ‘original’ or Real Self. We felt afraid. We felt alone. Ashamed. Fragmented.

We then develop what I call our Dominant Emotional Archetype or the persona we feel most comfortable showing to the world: the Parent, the Child, the Adult, while simultaneously hiding our Submissive Emotional Archetype deep in our proverbial basement: our unconscious mind.

Now, what is an archetype, you might be asking?

Archetypes are not new; they have been around for centuries. Whether ancient Greek, Roman, Norse, Hindu, or Celtic gods or goddesses representing power or weakness, mischief or love, or the saints and angels who represent divinity and strength, archetypes are timeless personas that help create shortcuts for our minds.

Archetypes make it possible to examine beliefs, attitudes, emotions, and behaviors in ways that go far beyond conventional, qualitative ways. With a simple image, we conjure up a multitude of qualities or characteristics. Maybe that is the reason why we don’t dream about words and sentences but rather about plots with characters that may appear somewhat surreal or even mythical. Stories, symbols, and metaphors make it easier for our brains to make sense of things. They help us achieve order and consistency.

For example, take a moment and allow your mind to think about Aphrodite or Hercules. Don’t you instantly picture a beautiful, fit woman wearing a white toga and exuding love, pleasure, and fertility; and a gorgeous, muscular, sort of dopey man wearing a white tunic and doing good deeds with a godlike strength?

Now, how about imagining a few real-life archetypes such as the Bad Boy or the Seductress? We’re probably all picturing the same kind of person, and we might even have somebody specific in mind!.

Our Dominant Emotional Archetype is similar to what Jung called ‘the Ego’—or persona. It’s the mask, so to speak, that we choose to show up in the world.

Our Submissive Emotional Archetype is the most unacceptable, most shameful aspect of ourselves or of humanity according to our own personal beliefs. It is what Carl Jung called ‘the Shadow’. Our Submissive is our deepest shame.

It’s as though we ‘compartmentalize’ the most shameful aspects of our lives and of ourselves. We hide them, afraid to be discovered, no longer whole. Complete. Expansive. Instead, we are little tiny fragments. Frozen. Shards of glass. Shards of light. Shards of love. Afraid.

Once we can integrate these parts of ourselves we can heal the split we feel inside. Our Shadow becomes conscious and our Ego releases its tight grip. Our ‘Wounded Self’ transcends into our ‘Real Self’ and we feel a sense of wholeness or authenticity.

Of all the books I’ve ever read on the concept of Self, I was most moved by Michael A. Singer’s, The Untethered Soul: “There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing you are not the voice of the mind—you are the one who hears it.”

He goes on to say:

“True personal growth is about transcending the part of you that is not okay and needs protection. This is done by constantly remembering that you are the one inside that notices the voice talking. That is the way out. The one inside who is aware that you are always talking to yourself about yourself is always silent. It is a doorway to the depths of your being.”

The thing to remind your Self is that fear is not the enemy. It is the part of you that needs the most understanding. In fact, it is only a lack of understanding that allows fear to exist; once you understand it you won’t fear it.

Once you learn how to dialogue with your fear in a healthy way, it can become your teacher, even your friend. It will certainly stop taking your power from you and instead, it will show you where you’re wounded, limited, contracted, and needing some healing; where you fear others, and what you think they can do to you; and where you’ve allowed small thinking, constricted communication, and old patterns to keep you stuck.

Fear may present itself as bravado or cowardice but underneath, it’s energy-sucking until it’s faced and healed.

The great news is that once the inner peace talks have begun, you will wise up to your shame, fear, and anger, and see the bigger picture! You’ll learn new, healthier, more empowered ways, and strategies, for expressing and protecting yourself so you can let go of the fierce grip you have on life. This is how the inner war is won. This is peace of mind.

Eventually, you may even be able to thank all the pain and suffering and bullshit because it is all a part of you—Glorious You. It all helped sculpt, teach, and show you who you really are. Those trajectory-changing moments, as awful as they were, were your greatest lessons. In other words, they were the wounds that gave you wisdom.

***

The bottom line is we cannot expand our lives alone. We can’t heal alone. We cannot become whole alone. We are not meant to be Lone Wolves. Clearly, not even God is meant to be alone! We’re pack animals. We need each other. Up close and personal. We learn everything about ourselves in relation to one another. We learn how to be whole, authentic, and empowered by needing others and by letting ourselves be needed. We all need a tribe.

We need each other. We need a ‘mirror’ to reflect us back to ourselves. We even need our ‘so-called’ enemies to show us how limited we still are in our communication skills, how much fear still dominates us, and where self-love is still missing.

I believe that our own healing happens once we gather up all these aspects of ourselves and repair them back together as one. In psychology, this is called ‘healing the split’. We heal by letting ourselves be seen—the good, the bad, and the ugly. Vulnerable. Fallible. Mortal. Imperfect. Loved and loveable. Unloved and unloveable. We face our shame and clean out all the stories that aren’t ours to hold any longer and we own the ones that are.

We re-write our script. We change the trajectory of our lives. We take back our power! We give ourselves permission to matter and to know that our needs, dreams, and desires matter All of ours.

This is also how I believe we will heal the world . . . and I’m not alone.

Many spiritualists believe that Peace on Earth will only arrive once we gather all the ‘fragments of light’ (consider the Big Bang) and somehow mend them back together; creating ‘oneness’ in the universe again. It is called ‘Tikkun Olam’ — the repairing of the world. This phrase has origins in classical rabbinic literature and in Kabbalah, a major strand of Jewish mysticism.

It is the fundamental belief that we are ‘one’. We are part of the whole. We are connected. When we hurt another, we hurt ourselves. When we hurt ourselves, we hurt others; when we hurt parts of ourselves, we hurt all of ourselves.

Once we desire peace more than we desire power, our world will begin its monumental climb back to wholeness, happiness, and harmony. Oneness. Tikkun Olam.

***

Peace doesn’t mean we all agree on the same things. It means we may have to respect our disagreements so that we can still play in the sandbox together. We must respect ourselves and we treat our neighbors with that same level of respect and acceptance. We speak our truth. We hold space. We have faith. Love. Kindness. Compassion. World peace begins with inner peace, and inner peace starts with self-love.

Perhaps, we human beings were the unknown ‘inside’ variable . . . the desire . . . the free will . . . the duality . . . the intrinsic ingredient that was needed in order to expand consciousness and to empower God to know Him Self in a way He never could without us. Maybe, we were the force behind the expansion of the universe. Maybe we needed chaos in order to create calm? Maybe we instigated the Big Bang? We were the provocateurs. The curious-seekers? Contrast, desire, and expansion drove us.

What if we were, and are, the Leading Edge of Consciousness—forever expanding the universe and ourselves?

Maybe in a very real sense, we are God?

Narcissistic sounding? Maybe.

But I believe we must embody the noblest parts of our selfishness, along with the noblest parts of our selflessness, in order to become the fully empowered Adult archetype. We must ‘heal thyself’ in order to become a ‘healthy self’. We must heal ourselves before we can heal the world. Yet, we can’t do this until we become more compassionate and less judgmental.

Napoleon Hill, the author of Think & Grow Rich, described ‘a burning desire as the root of all achievement’. Truth be told, it is not until you finally desire empowerment enough that empowerment can occur, which means it’s okay to come to the edge.

As I pointed out in The Emotional Edge:

>>>>> “It’s the edge that gives us the contrast to decide that we are ready to soar in our lives! It’s the same edge of the ever-expanding universe—the horizon line of possibility—that will be expanding forever for the empowered, enabled person!”

We need contrast! We need to walk the line! At times, we need to jump! At times we need to balance and stay safe. But we can’t let our great minds, troubled hearts, and shameful pasts paralyze us. We can’t keep running from ‘who’ we never want the world to see us as. We have to heal our shame. We must heal thy self. Healthy self.

The fact is, when you don’t own your story, your story owns you!

Here’s what I will assure you: You are not alone and you can’t heal alone. We are all so much more alike than you can possibly imagine! We all have crazy families, crazy thoughts, and sometimes even crazier behavior. But you can’t become ‘whole’ alone. You need a tribe—in a sense, a family of your choosing. Sometimes it is your bloodline and sometimes it is a family you create.

We need to be both needy and needed, at times. Vulnerable and Strong. Fallible and Infallible. Mortal and Divine. Imperfect and Perfect. Human Being and Human Spirit. We are all things. We all matter. Each of our needs, dreams, and desires belong.

In my personal situation, I realized that those Dark Nights of the Soul I was having were coming from my Wounded Self, or maybe better said, from my Wounded Selves: all my fractured, fragmented, shards of light or what I call my Disempowered Emotional Sub-Archetypes.

It finally all made sense! Of course, Daughter Energy pissed me off. Of course, Charmers, Narcissists, and Troublemakers triggered me. Of course, women like my mother triggered me! Of course, men like my brother and father triggered me! Aggressive, competitive Warriors. I judged, hated, and rejected these qualities as fiercely as I was judging, hating, and rejecting these qualities in myself.

Let’s not forget, I was taught to be Laura Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie: selfless, sweet, smart. Nellie Oleson was shameful! Spoiled, selfish women were shameful.

Sleazy, promiscuous women were shameful. Putas.

Alcoholics were wicked.

And Lion Tamers were certainly something to avoid.

Here was my blind spot: I triggered me!

All these years, I had denied these ‘shadow’ or ‘submissive’ aspects of myself. Was it possible that I had a Scared Child inside of me? Could I have an Addict within? What about the Victim that I never wanted anyone to see me as! Was I one?

I was beginning to see myself in a ‘whole,’ new way.

I was beginning to see that I obviously had the Drama Queen in there (yep, she is certainly that bipolar part of me that I’d feared so much), and when she’d bust out of my proverbial ‘basement’ what a mess she’d make in my life. Oh, the drama she’d cause. Extremes. Chaos.

I knew for certain that I had the Charmer . . . and I was very ashamed of my Charmer. Very. But boy, she is charming and so damn sexy. She’s hard to resist.

I also discovered that I had a fierce Warrior who is a killer. You mess with my children, you better be ready for what’s coming.

I also have a huge Narcissist inside of me, buried very deep, who wants to be seen, heard, listened to, followed, adored, and in charge. She wants to be famous.

And oh . . . the Troublemaker! How she would get herself into the middle of things and wonder why she was in an argument? She just loved ‘bringing things to the surface’ yet somehow it was always perceived as ‘troublemaking.’ But I get it now. I get ‘me’ now.

These most shameful parts of me were desperate to escape from my dungeon to fight for my life, needs, and dreams. They needed me to be grandiose at times. They needed me to protect myself more! They needed me to defend myself. Stand up for me. Tell the truth. Be a little selfish, if that’s what it’s called! Create a little trouble, if need be.

I was out of balance. The wounded parts of me needed to know that we were still special, worthy, and important. I needed to be more compassionate with myself.

I discovered that when you disown parts of yourself those disowned parts own you. When you can’t tell the truth, you can’t reclaim those wounded parts. They are still too shrouded in shame, buried in your subconscious mind—or your own basement.

These wounded parts of us are actually ‘driving’ our lives. Our need to protect ourselves from further wounding dictates our choices, almost as though we have a corrupted computer program running in the background 24/7.

This program, so to speak, becomes the basis of our life script: a story we wrote as small children about who we are, how we will live, and what life would give back to us. We created a whole slew of beliefs that we insist are true regardless of any evidence.

Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, talked extensively about people having a life script that they begin to “mentally write” from a very young age. In What Do You Say After You Say Hello, he states:

“Each person decides in early childhood how he will live and how he will die, and that plan, which he carries in his head wherever he goes, is called a script. His trivial behavior may be decided by reason, but his important decisions are already made . . . ”

As I pointed out in The Emotional Edge:

“By the time you were five years old, you’d made decisions about how lovable and worthy you were, how best to survive in this world, and what life would give back to you. You developed a “story” in your childlike mind by watching and listening to your parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and siblings—and the emotional archetypes they embodied—and you accepted “your part” in the story of your family. Your Dominant Emotional Archetype is based on what you believe is the safest or smartest way of getting your needs met. In fact, immediately upon birth, you began writing your survival story, which formed your Dominant Emotional Archetype: the Parent or the Child.”

Very few of us were raised in environments that nurtured our “Self.” Most of us ‘teeter-totter’ between our selflessness and selfishness, rarely finding our emotional edge. Rarely transcending our suffering.

***

In my case, I needed to rise above my past . . . and ‘that’ would only happen once I embraced and realized the wounds of both my Child and Parent Archetypes. Instead of being ashamed of these, almost, opposing parts of my personality, I needed to own both of them. I needed to heal the split. I needed to heal my painful past. I needed to own the parts of me that caused me to deny myself to myself. I needed to get out of denial. I had to break out of the box.

I had to see the bigger picture. I had to realize that nothing and no one could hurt me unless I allowed them to. My suffering was the effects of my own thoughts and emotions. I needed to go beyond the limitations of my fear, shame, and anger. I needed to love all of who I was—of who I am—and not just the nice parts of me. Shame and pride wouldn’t cut it any longer.

Besides, I couldn’t hold on any longer! The dam had broken, and the tears had come. I could either feel it and heal it or deny it and maybe have a nervous breakdown.

I decided that it was time I allowed every single part of me to exist. I needed a place within my heart for all of me to be. To just be me. By doing so, I expanded into Woman Energy almost effortlessly. I started to feel like a Goddess again. Whole. Authentic. Safe. The Real Me.

My inner dialogue was dramatically changing. I was being so kind to myself. Accepting. Listening. Processing. Loving.

The simplest way to understand this is to imagine you have three children: one is happy, well adjusted, easy-going, and social; the other is anxious, scared, passive, and sad; the last child is downright naughty—some call her narcissistic, selfish and self-absorbed.

Could you imagine only loving your good kid and banishing both your anxious kid and the bad kid to the dungeon, locked up forever?

Never! You would never do that! And yet, this is precisely what you do to your Self. These aspects of your personality need your love the most. Shaming them will never work. You will never create peace of mind as long as you are in resistance to your Self.

What I’m suggesting is that you take some time to get to know the parts of you that you have disowned. Go back and unearth the stories, the shame, and the blame. Have compassion for yourself as you make peace with these buried aspects of your Self.

I asked my therapist, David Bedrick, after our third and final session how other people get through this kind of deep emotional pain to find healing and joy again. He told me that they usually don’t get through it—they shut down. Close down. Close up for business. They stay asleep.

Although I only ever had three sessions, those three sessions mattered so much because I learned how much I matter. I could talk for three full hours about myself to someone who listened carefully. Thoughtfully. And responded thoughtfully, carefully, and intelligently.

>>>>>> A smart man heard me. Saw me. Respected me. <<<<<<

He then, very thoughtfully, told me that he’d never witnessed anyone do what I did and walk out the other side so magnificently . . . and so swiftly. This made me feel really good.

It was nice to feel like maybe I wasn’t crazy, bipolar, or sociopathic like my mother constantly called me. It was nice to be witnessed. Validated. Heard. Seen.

What a revelation: Yes, I matter.

I thanked him for his part in my healing. I couldn’t have done it alone. None of us can. We need each other.

We need smart teachers, wise sages, and spiritual mystics. We need therapists, coaches, and authors. Pastors, priests, rabbis, shamans, gurus, and healers. We need mainstream and alternative medicine. We need safe places, forums, and chat rooms that nurture us. We need all of it. It all matters. We all matter! You matter!

***

With that being said, never relinquish your own inner wisdom to anyone. Listen to yourself! You have all the answers you need within, although sometimes you just need to know how to ask yourself the right questions.

If you aren’t feeling a good ‘vibe’ from your coach or therapist, choose differently.

You want someone who sees you, hears you and actively listens. You want someone who understands that this healing ‘shit’ is hard fucking work. Excuse my language. But it really is. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and yet, I wish it on everyone. It’s, oh so, worth the pain of letting go of.

The ironic part was that contracting and collapsing were the best gifts to impress upon me that ‘suffering no longer served me’ and it was time for me to get help. There is a time to give and a time to receive. I had to learn how to receive. I bet that you do, too.

Here’s the most amazing part: Life started showing me that I was showing up differently. In 2016, my book The Emotional Edge was released. You can imagine my joy when I got an email from my publisher letting me know that Oprah (http://www.oprah.com/inspiration/emotional-age-quiz) was featuring my Emotional Age Quiz. They featured it three months in a row. I was giddy with excitement.

Since then, life has continued to unfold with grace, ease, and love. Now, don’t get me wrong: It’s still life. Hills and valleys. Arguments and setbacks. Breakthroughs and breakdowns. But I’m actively healing my body, heart, and life. And I’ve honestly truly never ever had another Dark Night of the Soul again.

I want to live….

I want to live.

Crystal Andrus Morissette
Founder and CEO The S.W.A.T. Institute and Simply Woman Magazine

The S.W.A.T. Institute is the world’s premier empowerment coaching certification school exclusively for women.

********

Crystal Andrus Morissette, Founder Simply Woman Magazine

From life as a homeless teen to coaching A-List celebrities, from having abs of steel and the Miss Galaxy to weighing over 200 pounds after having babies, Emotional Age and Communication Expert Crystal Andrus Morissette is a worldwide leader in the field of self-discovery and personal transformation. A media darling, she has been featured numerous times on Oprah.com, the New York Post, Fox TV, the Daily Mail, CBS Radio, CTV, CityTV, Global TV, Slice TV, the Globe and Mail, and the Toronto Star. Crystal is the founder of the S.W.A.T. Institute (Simply Woman Accredited Trainer), an empowerment coach certification exclusively for women that she created with fellow female visionaries Louise Hay, Marianne Williamson, Colette Baron-Reid, and Sandra Anne Taylor among others. Established in 2009, the S.W.A.T. Institute is now in over 30 countries.

Crystal is the author of five best-selling books, including her latest release entitled, “Simply…Woman: Stories from 30 magnificent women who have risen against the odds!” She is also certified in nutrition, sports medicine, and yoga.

Crystal’s message of resilience, strength, and inner power has allowed her to grace the stage with speakers such as Dr. Phil, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Naomi Judd, Suze Orman, Marianne Williamson, Louise Hay, Dr. Joan Borysenko, Debbie Ford, Sarah Ferguson—Duchess of York, and many more. Crystal has coached women from all walks of life including A-list celebrities, best-selling authors, scientists, doctors, dentists, and lawyers to stay-at-home moms and struggling teens. Her passion is to get down in the trenches and help people become the (s)heroes of their own lives.

www.crystalandrusmorissette.com | www.swatinstitute.com 

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