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fostering free thinking in your kids: victoria west

By on August 19, 2013
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I am one of those lucky people that have a fantastic relationship with my parents.  As a child, teenager, and to this day I have never doubted my parents’ love for me and their pride in the woman I have become.  More than just parents, I consider them both my friends as well.  In almost every way I hope to parent just like them.  That, however, does not mean that they were perfect.  In fact, there was one thing that was I frequently told that I hated – one thing that I swore that I would never say to my future children:

“Because I said so.”

Oh, how I hated that phrase.  Sure, sometimes my petulant “But WHY-Y-Y-Y-Y?” could stretch on for days, and was truly just a whiny stalling tactic designed to delay the implementation of whatever parental decree was being handed down.  But more often, especially as I got older, I was truly seeking to understand why rules were in place, why permission was being denied, or why tasks needed immediate completion.  And regardless of the reason or tone of my question, often the response was simply “Because I said so.”  Because of this, I learned to stop asking the question.   And that is a lesson that I never want my son to learn.

I always want my little man to feel that I value his understanding.  The reason is never simply “Because I said so.”  I do not parent arbitrarily; I always have an explanation behind my decisions.  That does not mean that there is room for negotiation – I don’t care how impassioned your plea is, kiddo, but you are not Michelangelo and my dining room walls are not your Sistine Chapel!  There is, however, always room for explanation and discussion, and usually room to find an acceptable alternative.

For example, not long ago, I actually did catch my son in the dining room, blue crayon in hand, eyeing up the blank canvas that was a dining room wall.  “Oh no, baby!” I quickly said, “We don’t draw on the dining room walls.”

And the response from my four-year-old was that whiny “But WHY-Y-Y-Y-Y?”  (even thinking of that tone of voice gives me goosebumps)

“Because your crayons will actually hurt the wall, handsome.  Mommy can’t wash them off and it would cost money to fix the wall.  Can I get you a colouring book or some paper to draw on instead?”

“NO! I don’t want to draw on paper!”

“I see.  You really, really want to draw on the wall, don’t you?” (a pouty nod) “Well, drawing on the dining room wall is not a choice, but I have another choice for you!  Mommy can tape a big piece of paper to the wall and you can draw on that paper, or we can get some chalk and you can draw on the walls outside.  Which one would you like?”

That day he chose to draw outside with the chalk, and we had fun together drawing smiley faces and rainbows and flowers on the brick outside.  And it was all because of how I responded to that first ten-syllable-long WHY.  Sure, “because I said so” would have been easier.  And it would have had the desired result (namely, a decided lack of blue crayon on my wall).  But instead of shutting him down I chose to explain my reasoning in a way that he could understand – and I truly believe that with understanding comes respect, and ultimately better behaviour!  “Because I said so” would have had the desired outcome at that time, but what about the next time that blank canvas called to him?  Would he wait until I wasn’t there to stop him?  Do it secretively and quietly in an attempt to not be caught?  Or simply assume that I “said so” at that time, but that it didn’t apply to future artistic attempts?

Age-appropriate explanations take only minutes and plant the seeds for the future.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I have decided that blind obedience is not a quality that I want to foster in my son.  I do not want to create an environment where “Because I said so” is an appropriate explanation.  I do not want him to grow up believing that authority figures are right simply by virtue of their positions.  I want that little man to grow up questioning the world around him.  I want him to seek explanations, seek understanding, and to be empowered by them.  I never want him to be the man who says “But sir, I was only following orders.”

And that begins with me.

 

vikki west-wacker

Victoria West-Wacker is a wife and mama, who thought she had this parenting thing all figured out – until she became one! Now she’s learning how to parent mindfully every day, and her sweet little man is her biggest teacher. In between parenting, dealing with multiple food allergies, and running a household she also works full time as a retail manager. Her daily goal is to parent mindfully, and help her son grow up to make the world a better place in the best way he can.

 

 

 

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