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Fathers, Daughters and Dating. by Dr. Christiane Northrup.

By on June 22, 2013
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“My father let me know that I was valuable with or without validation from a boyfriend.”

By Christiane Northrup, M.D.

A girl’s father and his attitudes about women create an indelible imprint upon her psyche about her own worth and also about what to expect from a man. If he is warm, loving, and attentive, then she’s apt to choose a man who is similar. If, on the other hand, her father is cold, distant, abusive, or possessive, this will also influence a daughter.

Once, when I was about fourteen and my boyfriend had broken up with me, I was feeling distraught and very depressed for a few months. My father gave me a hug and made me feel valuable and attractive despite my lack of a boyfriend. He said, “There are many other fishes in the sea. Right now you can’t see that. But believe me, you are blue chip stock. Don’t sell yourself short or spend much time pining over that guy. There will be lots of others in your future.”

I am very grateful to have had a father like that. But even the most loving fathers can instil in their daughters a sense of unease about relations with the opposite sex. My father let me know that I was valuable with or without validation from a boyfriend, but he did it without trying to scare me off from men. Not all fathers are able to do this.

For example, a former patient told me about a conversation she had had with her husband and two teenage daughters:

Recently we were having a family brunch at a local restaurant. The girls hadn’t received their allowance for a while and we were discussing their monetary needs. My older girl, who is fifteen, asked us what sort of allowance each of us had had in high school and college. My husband, John, said that at the time he was in college in the late ’60s, the boy still paid for everything on a date. So his parents supplied him with about $120 a month, to cover car upkeep, dating expenses, clothes, etc. But he told our daughters that when they started to date, he wanted them to pay their share of the expenses rather than letting the boy treat them.

I asked my husband why he thought the girls should pay. He said:

“Because when the guy pays for dinner and a movie or a show, then he may feel that the girl owes him something more.”

I asked him to elaborate. He said, “Well, at least a good-night kiss.” I said, “Even if she doesn’t like him?” He didn’t want to go on, but made it clear to our daughters that boys feel that if a date pays for everything, there is an automatic power imbalance in the relationship and the girl “owes” something in return for his investment.

Obviously men in our culture can be quite ambivalent when it comes to their daughters and their relationships with men. My personal financial planner told me that in the course of her work she’s never yet met a man who felt that his son-in-law was capable of taking care of his daughter! Before we were married and before we had even decided if we were going to have children, I remember my husband saying something like, “If we ever have a daughter, I’m going to build a fence around the house when she turns thirteen.” Remember, he didn’t even know if we were going to have children. Yet the very thought of having a daughter brought up his instinct to protect them from other men.

 

This information is not intended to treat, diagnose, cure, or prevent any disease.
All material in this article is provided for educational purposes only. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you have regarding a medical condition, and before undertaking any diet, exercise, or other health program.

© Christiane Northrup, Inc. All rights reserved. Excerpted with permission from Mother-Daughter Wisdom, by Christiane Northrup, M.D., Bantam Books, 2005. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.

Christiane Northrup, M.D., a board-certified ob/gyn, is a visionary pioneer, beloved authority in women’s health and wellness, and the author of the ground breaking New York Times bestsellers Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom and The Wisdom of Menopause. Her third book, Mother-Daughter Wisdom, was voted Amazon’s #1 book of 2005 (in two categories). In, The Secret Pleasures of Menopause and The Secret Pleasures of Menopause Playbook, Dr. Northrup teaches how to experience joy, pleasure, prosperity, fulfillment, and vibrant health. Her children’s book, Beautiful Girl, brings her positive message to the youngest of girls. Her books have been translated into 24 languages.  Following a 25-year career in both academic medicine and private practice, Dr. Northrup devotes her time to helping women truly flourish. Follow Dr. Christiane Northrup on Facebook, Twitter, at www.drnorthrup.com, and by listening to her weekly Hay House Internet radio show Flourish!

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