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Crystal Andrus: What is "Selfish"?

By on October 21, 2013
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Be honest:  How many times have you viewed the behavior of someone you care about as selfish—maybe even narcissistic?

They may be sweet, cute, and fun to hang out with but you’re certain they care more about their own agenda than anything else. You can feel it. The conversation inevitably always turns to them; what they need, what they want, where they’re going.

Yet, you also know they’ve been taught (as many of us have been) that in order to be happy they must be happy with themselves. So you don’t want to “knock them down”. You don’t want to be unkind, but inescapably you always feel “less than” every time you’re around them.

The confusion comes from trying to decipher what constitutes self-care from self-absorbed. Are they just a confident and self-aware person? Maybe it’s you who has the problem?

 

It’s a great question many of us struggle with: “What is selfish?”

I’ve always believed you can’t help someone while hurting yourself. You also can’t help yourself while hurting someone else. Both are disempowered, limited, fearful ways of thinking.

Empowered people—both men and women—have a sense of healthy boundaries, although they are not rigid about them. They have learned to manage their emotions (without repressing them) and they know their rights. They aim for cooperation and collaboration. When an empowered person interacts with another human being her intention is to make the situation a win-win for everyone, which might sometimes involve compromising. This win-win approach is the key difference that distinguishes empowerment from both controlling and helpless positions.

 

Disempowered people usually fall into one of two categories:
Givers or Takers

People who are Givers usually lose because they assume that others must take precedence. Not only are they unable to act in their best interest and defend themselves whennecessary, they are often uncomfortable letting their opinions show. Givers have been taught they are most likely not right, can’t win, and should endure oppression. They will say and act however they believe you need them to be in order to be “liked”, to stay safe, and remain under-the-radar. Their biggest obstacle is usually fear of the repercussions resulting from firm and honest communication; they mean “no” and say “yes” or vice versa.

The goal of Takers is to control the situation and get “your way”, often at someone else’s expense. To put it simply: “I win, you lose”. This is a survival skill because inevitably, winning is always what matters most. Takers control the situation either overtly by intimidating, threatening, name-calling, or judging (but at least the other person knows where you stand) or more subtly by manipulating or coercing. And yes, even manipulators are, in essence, Takers. We may just not notice their agenda because they are so sweet, even loving.

Givers and Takers play a similar game, where only one side can win. The important thing to pay attention to here is that it takes TWO to play this game.

Whether you are the Giver or the Taker, you’ve chosen to be in a disempowered relationship. And you can choose to step away from it.

The reason I have dedicated my life to helping women become empowered is so that they rise above this “give and take” agenda. I know I don’t want to play games. I don’t want the drama and dysfunction. I simply want to be happy. I want to surround myself with thoughtful, considerate, collaborative people.

Empowerment is about how you deal with personal boundaries. It acknowledges your self-worth and self-esteem, as well as that of the other person. It allows you to freely express what you are thinking and feeling in an open, direct and honest way, without hurting others or without allowing others to disrespect or ignore you. It’s a peaceful power that makes it possible to nurture relationships with the people around you because it honors everyone involved. It is not just about being able to stand up for yourself, but also about communicating warm, positive feelings.

The next time you find yourself confused over an interaction with someone you feel is taking more than you can afford to give, catch yourself. Become mindful of what a healthy relationship feels like between two empowered people.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this blog.

 

Warmly,

Crystal

 

007A0283Crystal Andrus is a leader in the field of self-discovery and personal transformation. From a very tough beginning—one that could easily have spun her into darkness, Crystal has risen to become an international coaching sensation and the Founder of The S.W.A.T. Institute (Simply Woman Accredited Trainer)- the world’s #1 on-line Personal Empowerment Coaching Certification School for women. She’s three-time best-selling Hay House author, the host of “The Crystal Andrus Show” and “Empowerment Class” on CBS Radio, a widely-sought after motivational speaker and a world-renowned women’s advocate. www.crystalandrus.com

 

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