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Crystal Andrus asks, "What Are You So Afraid Of?"

By on December 9, 2013
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Imagine being in a dark alley late at night as three thugs approach you. It’s probably your ego, or your trickster, that will save your butt, simply because it’s the most primitive part of you. But since most of your life isn’t spent in a dark alley, you don’t need (or want) to constantly be in survival mode!

You don’t need to fear your trickster (or what some refer to as the ego) because it’s not your enemy, just as the monster wasn’t an enemy, initially, to Dr. Frankenstein. The monster saw the doctor as his father—his creator—but when his father turned his back on him, he became angry and afraid.

Viewing your ego as something you must annihilate will only create more fear and resistance within you. Your ego will fight for its life, even if it means destroying you, its creator! It doesn’t mean to hurt or berate you. It was formed when you were young—when you didn’t know that you were connected to a Divine Universal Collective Energy, or what some call God.

Besides, your ego has served a vital purpose in your life.

When I first uncovered my greatest fears and the ways I tried to suppress them, it was incredible. It was almost as if a light had been turned on and I could see clearly! I imagined what my ego–my trickster–looked like and, surprisingly, the image of a mean, old, self-righteous nun came to my mind. My nun truly believed that if I played it small and acted “proper,” I’d look good, people would like me, and I’d be “enough.” Sometimes she won and I’d act like a lovely little martyr. At other times in my life, I completely rebelled and reacted in ways similar to my trigger words. I became my worst fears and would shame myself more! (Or maybe it was my ego that would shame me more?)

At first I yelled at my nun and told her to go away and leave me alone, but then I realized that as long I saw her as my opponent, I’d always be at odds with myself. Since this mean old lady was inside of me, and a part of me, as long as I resisted her, she would persist.

So I decided to view her through new lenses—the eyes of my spirit. What a different image I saw! She was merely a frightened old woman who was terrified that I wouldn’t be getting into heaven. She really believed that money was evil, sex was only for procreation, and having too much fun was the path paved to hell. Girls shouldn’t have daring haircuts or wear makeup and short skirts! The nun was taught to care most about what everyone else thought. She was a martyr, but she didn’t know any better and was only afraid. I realized she simply needed love and reassurance.

Once I embraced the idea that my nun wasn’t my enemy (I’d created her; she didn’t create me) and that fighting her would only give her more power with the resistance I was creating within myself, I was able to understand the secret to all of creation:

Life can only develop in perfect equilibrium depending upon the need of the individual,
thus explaining the necessity for contrast or duality. It’s the sole way we can discover our own tipping point— the only way to expand and grow.

I’d spent so much of my life believing that everything “bad” needed to be avoided—not realizing that without darkness there’s no light, without light there’s no darkness. There’s a reason for everything, even when we don’t understand it. It’s our self-righteousness that fools us into believing otherwise. We’re afraid of the tipping point! We run from the edge, afraid to fall.

I’d created my nun—my ego—because, initially, I needed protection . . . and she did protect me! She taught me how to cover up my guilt and shame. She showed me how to be strong, disciplined, focused, and driven. She helped me make “proper” and “good” choices and steered me in the right direction. She kept me safe from the edge—safe from falling . . . or flying.

Now when my nun starts yelling at me—belittling, judging, or trying to condemn me for anything, whether it’s sipping a glass of wine, telling someone no, or making passionate love— I take her by the hand and sit her down in a rocking chair, place a blanket around her shoulders, and get her a cup of tea. “Everything will be okay,” I lovingly tell her. “I’m just being me, and being me is perfectly okay.”

What if you decided to make peace with yourself—to make peace with your fears, with your worst words? What if you decided to “live and let live”? What if you were determined to really live? Explore? Fall? Fly? Become the authentic you—without protective gear?

Think of how much energy, peace, excitement, bliss, and freedom you’d experience! Imagine what your life could be and what could blossom! You’d have the personal space to do the things you really want to do . . . not what you think you need to do in order to keep up with the image you’ve created.

Doesn’t this sound wonderful?

In love and light,

Crystal

 

(for more, read Crystal’s book,  Simply…Empowered! from Hayhouse Publishing.

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