Home   >   Feature   >   Conceding Vs. Negotiating

Conceding Vs. Negotiating

By on June 10, 2021
ask nana pic

By: Pam Del Franco

There’s a fine line between conceding in a negotiation with your partner, versus surrendering. How do you tell the difference?

Let’s say your partner wants to move because of work, and his argument is, “My commute is too long, and it’s not like we’re married to this place, so what’s the big deal?” (feeling stressed about the drive and about the same old argument about to happen.)

You’re more like, “I get it, it’s long. But I’m happy here, the kids are settled, and I don’t want to move.” (feeling tired of the same old conversation.)

The argument escalates (which is nothing new). You’ve both been down this road too many times, and you’re kind of used to it now. And after another fight, you know it’s not going to resolve itself, so you agree to uproot again for the sake of the relationship. You place the caveat that you get to pick the next place. The agreement is made, and you start the stressful process of preparing to move.

This isn’t the only fight. You disagree often, and it seems to go against what you want most of the time. Why is that?
When you look back, you thought you were taking the high road. You successfully negotiated that you get to choose the place. You both think you reached a compromise that’s workable (and to a degree it is.)

The problem is, you’re not actually negotiating, you’re conceding. True negotiation is when both people are satisfied – both needs were met to the best degree possible. Conceding is more like trying to keep the peace at the expense of yourself. So you think you’ve negotiated, but what’s actually going on is that you’re acting out an old story.

When you keep doing things you don’t want to do to keep the peace in your relationship, it’s actually starting a war within yourself. Over time, that can blow up and defeat the whole purpose of what you were trying to accomplish in the first place. This inner saboteur will work its way back repeatedly until it’s resolved.

What makes you give up on what you want or need?

Because we bring unresolved past hurts into relationships. Togetherness can bring out the best and the worst of us. (Ask any relationship coach or therapist.) It’s easy to trick yourself into thinking you’re using negotiation skills (especially since you used similar tactics to create your business success.) But it’s different in a relationship because there’s more at stake. Yes, in the worst-case scenario, you could lose your business or your efforts to keep fit go to the wayside. But being alone when you don’t want to be or being in an unfulfilling relationship is just as, if not more, painful. Most of us want someone to grow old with and someone who helps us see the best in ourselves. We need that sense of belonging.

The thing is, conceding doesn’t help because it’s being triggered by something that makes you say things like, “it’s just how it is” when you’re in a relationship. That thing that makes you think this way is not a healthy negotiation with yourself on what you do or don’t accept. It’s more like unknowingly conceding to a past hurt because you haven’t recognized how it shows up in your relationship. You end up feeling unfulfilled, stuck, or worse, that there must be something wrong with you because you can’t make it work.

That lack of genuine negotiation acts itself out in a million ways, few of which help your relationship. (You don’t feel you have a voice with important decisions. You feel resentful because your partner seems to always “win.” You have bursts of anger you don’t know where they come from, and lots of other ways that speak the opposite of happiness.)

If you reflect on the last time it happened, did you notice anything come up from your past? It doesn’t always have to be big – sometimes, a simple sentence can cause years of pain. (When I was about 14, I was told that I was too skinny, and I heard that voice every time I saw a more shapely girl, and as I grew, I compared myself (negatively) to those types of women. That little voice told me (among other things) that I wasn’t good enough the way I was. Then that played out in my relationships for years and convinced me to give in to what he wanted while ignoring my needs.) Maybe for you, it was the voice of your dad who always outdid you in mock arguments even though he was the adult and you were a child. Or maybe it was that high school teacher who called you out for trying to explain your point of view. Something in you tells you that you must compromise in favor of the other person.

That connection is what needs healing because it’s not true. A real compromise is two people, both feeling mostly satisfied with the result. (It’s never going to be exact. We’re not looking for 50/50 even. What you’re looking for is the feeling that you also got your needs met and that you didn’t suffer in silence for the sake of.)

If someone would have helped me understand my old (untrue) story, I could have dealt with the emotions around that and see the connections within my relationships. So I get it. I understand the confusion between thinking you’re negotiating when you’re not. That part of you that plays out in your relationship is what needs to heal.

This is about the relationship you have with yourself, the one you bring into your partnership consciously or unconsciously. It’s not always a voice you’ve forgotten. It might be one you hear a lot, but you haven’t recognized how it’s connecting to your behavior in your relationship.

Once you get it, you’ll shift from always conceding and then feeling bad later, to honest negotiation with your partner where you both win. You’ll end up looking at the same problem from a different vantage place—one where you are not compromising yourself but negotiating a comfortable agreement for both of you.

 

********

pammmPam Del Franco is a Social Service Worker, Master Empowerment Coach, Author, and Psychic Medium. She’s studied the Laws of the Universe, dream interpretation, hypnotherapy and has over 30 years experience helping people like you.

Connect with her at: www.pamdelfranco.com | delfrancopam@gmail.com

About simply...woman!

We encourage spreading the message of knowledge and wisdom. We appreciate and thank our featured partners for their articles. All information provided on Simply…Woman online magazine is for reference only; the content is based on the authors’ experiences and therefore is not intended as a substitute to the services of a fully qualified professional. Although every reasonable effort is made to present current and accurate information, Simply…Woman makes no claims, promises or guarantees about the accuracy, completeness or adequacy of the information.