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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do: Until We Do These 5 Things

By on November 8, 2017
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do: Until We Do These 5 Things

By Dina Strada

There is no arguing that breaking up with someone whether it be a relationship or a marriage is one of the worst kinds of hell to go through. No one in this world is immune from going through it at least once in their life and most of us are going to have to go through it more than once so we may as well learn how to go through it a bit more gracefully each time.

The reality is, break ups hurt like a bitch, can bring up all kinds of old wounds and self-esteem issues we thought we’d healed long ago and often create disempowering stories about our-selves and our self-worth that simply aren’t true. And you know what? This is just part of the process of getting over somebody we love or people we never even got to uttering the ‘L-word” to but cared an awful lot about.

Almost 98% of my clients come to me for relationship advice and tools on how to process the loss of someone they can’t seem to get over and let go of. The great thing about having my own heart broken so much…. I have lots of experience in what not to do!

The truth is, there’s no right or wrong way to navigate your way through the heartbreak but there are some tried and true tools I’ve learned over the years that work for most people if we’re willing to reframe our thinking about the entire experience.

1) Don’t regret one moment you spent with the person because at one time they were exactly what you needed.  No relationship is ever a waste of time. Every relationship we choose to bring into our lives has something to teach us. When we enter into a relationship with someone it’s because at that moment in time their energetic vibration matches ours and they’re here to mirror us and show us what we need to see and learn about ourselves.  What a gift!

Sometimes a person comes into our lives at the ending of another relationship to show us what was missing in the previous relationship. Sometimes a person comes in to add some much needed “fun” at a heavy time in our life.  Whatever it is, stop regretting and start look-ing at what the relationship taught you about yourself. Your 2nd grade teacher wasn’t a waste of time because you needed to move onto the 3rd grade. She was instrumental in preparing you to go there. If you can look back at the person with that perspective, it’s easier to move on knowing you’re simply ready for the next chapter.

2) Stop blaming. Every relationship involves 2 people so we each had our part in the demise of the relationship.  The more we focus on what the other person did wrong, how the other person hurt us, and all the things they did to ruin our relationship, the more painful it’s going to be.

Blaming creates more pain and suffering because:
~ We stay stuck in the negative energy of right/wrong/judging others.
~ We don’t move into the positive energy of self-reflection.

The happiest people are the ones who are consistently looking inward, evaluating themselves and improving what isn’t working for them. Once you can shift the focus from blaming the other person for the breakup and look at what part you played in the relationship not work-ing, even if it was not setting boundaries with behavior your found unacceptable, you’ll start to move forward.

3) Stop focusing on the “honeymoon period” of the relationship and stay in the present.  Almost every person I know who is struggling with letting someone go tells me how things used to be.  They’ll get into these long, sentimental stories of their ex and how sweet and lov-ing they were back in the day but can’t separate that person from the screaming, emotionally distant and checked out person they just ended the relationship with.

Your ex is no longer the idealized, romanticized version of themselves that they were in the first few months you were together so stop thinking and talking about them as if that was the person you just ended things with. See the person as they are now, not who they were when you first met.  Trust me, once you can accept who they are now, you’ll realize that letting them go is the best thing for both of you.

4) Disconnect from each other on Social Media.  I get that there’s some small part of you that just has to know what your ex is up to without you or you’ll simply die but trust me when I say this…. there is absolutely NOTHING your ex is going to post on social media that will make you feel good.

If they post a picture out with friends, your story is going to be, “Oh my God, how can they be out having a good time when I’m sitting home crying!”  If they “like” another girl/guy’s photo your story is going to be, “I can’t believe he/she is hooking up with someone else al-ready!”

It doesn’t matter what’s truth and what’s just your perception, none of it is good for your healing process and staying involved in their life in any way even through social media will hold you back from moving on.

Unfriend them, Unfollow them and resist the temptation to stalk them. Most people can’t do this so cut yourself some slack if you falter on this one but give it your best shot because the only one who will be hurt from continuing this behavior is you.

5) Take really good care of yourself.  Now is not the time to push yourself to do things you don’t want to do or be around people who suck your energy.  Right now it’s all about self-care.

Whether that’s spending as much time as possible with friends, putting in more hours at the gym or treating yourself to a massage… just do it.  The small things we do and don’t do (like forcing ourselves to be social if we’re feeling depressed) really makes a difference.

The ending of everything in life is hard. But remember, change always brings greater things. The transition may be uncomfortable but it’s through the discomfort we grow, evolve and become an even better version of ourselves.

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111Dina Strada is an LA based Event Planner, Writer and Certified Life Coach specializing in relationships, healing and empowering women.  A Featured Author and top writer for Elephant Journal, her work has also appeared in Huff Post, Thought Catalogue, Elite Daily, The Good Men Project, Chopra, Tiny Buddah and Rebelle Society.  You can connect with Dina via (www.dinastrada.com), Facebook or Instagram.

 

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