moms: how to have the "clothes talk" with your daughters

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By Priscilla Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC

As Elyse Nelson Winger pointed out in her article “Clothes Talk” in Gather, our male-dominated media culture is sexually exploiting our Tween and Teen daughters at an increasingly alarming rate.    Not only does it sexually objectify our daughters at younger and younger ages, it insults women in general. Sitcoms and “reality TV” shows portray us as emotional bitches who easily degrade ourselves into cat-fighting.

All of this is very appealing to men and boosts ratings. But far worse than momentarily demeaning women and girls, it has tremendous negative long-term impact on girls’ images of themselves and their self esteem.

The fall-out of all this is devastating to both girls and boys.

First, it sends a not-so-subtle message that: (a) sex is primarily between boys and girls, and (b) boys are the “shoppers” and girls are to be the “objects of desire.”

The main message is that girls exist for male pleasure and that the most important thing for a girl is to attract a handsome guy. Boys learn to disrespect, objectify, and “use” girls. Frankly, that message has always been there, but today, it is being more sexualized and pushed younger and younger.

Our daughters are increasingly being “objectified” by the media.   The results are devastating.   Studies show that girls and women who self objectify have lower self-esteem, are more confused as to their self-identity, have alarmingly higher rates of depression in adulthood, and consistently underperform in the use of their intelligence, skills, and talents.   Just as bad, our daughters are subtly being taught to make daily choices and actions that are in others’ interests and not their own.

All of this is just the tip of the media culture iceberg. To go deeper is beyond the scope of this article.

Mothers, how can you rescue your daughters from this fate?

The pressures of not just the media, but also teenage conformity behavior, are strong. The task is not easy. Where do you begin?

Protecting and saving your daughter begins with your relationship!

The worst thing that can happen to the parents of teens is to be fired by their kids as consultants!  You have less and less control as your children get older. Therefore, your only power lies in your kids’ willingness to listen to you and see you as a valid source of information.

That said, how can you approach your daughters (and sons, too) on this topic?

Rule #1:   Don’t preach or try to scare them. They’ll turn you off in a heartbeat. Rather approach them in a conversational way. Tell them that you respect their choices, but that you have some concerns about clothing choices and what those choices say to others.

The key to “hooking” your daughters into listening to you is not to talk first about clothes.

Rather the context needs to be around authenticity, self-respect, and individuality. As your daughter goes through her teens, her most important questions need to be,

“Who am I?”

“What do I want out of life?”

“What are my natural skills and talents?”

“What do I want to do with my life?” (This is more than, “What do I want to be when I grow up?”  It’s about passion and purpose.)

You want to get her thinking and talking in personally empowered ways. Get her envisioning a bold, empowered future where she can accomplish whatever she desires, and make a huge impact on the world.

Get her thinking and talking about being her own person, defining her own authenticity and uniqueness. What can she contribute to the world? What are her natural gifts?    How can she truly earn the respect and admiration of others, beyond the superficial aspect of looks and appearance?

Notice that none of this has anything to do with clothes so far!

The next logical set of questions to get her talking about revolves around,

“How do you want to be seen?”

“What impressions do you want to make?”

“How do you want to be regarded and respected?”

Your goal is to get her to start seeing a disconnect between her self-respect, her authentic higher truth, and her attire.

Here are some points you can casually throw in as appropriate.

“Dress poorly, they notice the clothes; dress well and they notice the woman.” – Coco Chanel

A girl may think about sex 4-5 times a day; a guy can have a sexual thought every 57 seconds.

Boys have a natural “FEMALE BINARY”: They inherently know that there are just two kinds of girls – those you play with and toss away, and those you respect and eventually marry.

To boys, if your words say one thing and your clothes say another, boys will listen to the clothes first.

Clothes speak louder than words.

“Alluring” is ultimately more attractive than “sexy”. A little “mystery” is a good thing.

“Glamour” has been shown in study after study to be based more on a girl’s confidence and inner radiance than on sexy clothing. Therefore, do you want to be seen as “glamorous” or as “sexy”, or “slutty”?

“Sexy” comes in two styles: “high-level”, ie, alluring, glamorous, and “low-level”, ie slutty.

Is your overall message consistent? Do your clothes really say what you want people to think?

“Popular” is nice, but at what price?

“Style” (the total look: Clothes, actions, attitudes) is most effective when it is internally consistent and intentional, ie. put together by thoughtful design.

Also, have frank discussions with your kids about the subtle messages put out by the media that they see and hear.  Again, don’t preach, but draw them out. Get them thinking and talking critically about the messages they are observing.

The first bridge in my “4 Bridges” Model of Female Empowerment is “object to subject”, or “puppet to person”.  I refer to the “Pinocchioic Journey” from self-objectification to authenticity. On this bridge, the most important question to ask oneself is “Why?”   “Why am I doing what I’m doing, or dressing in this particular way?”  To please others (objectification) or to please and be true to me, my character, my highest values (authenticity).

Clearly, Mom, this is a tough issue.  How you approach the “clothes conversation” is critical. This information should help.

Here are some useful resources:

– Miss Representation – Video documentary by Oprah Winfrey Network. This is a must-see, and worth watching and discussing as a family.

– Levin, D. and Kilbourne, J. – So Sexy, So Soon, N.Y., Ballantine, 2008

– Holiday, E. and Rosenberg, J. – Mean Girls, Meaner Women, 2009. Order on Amazon.

– www.ScarvesStyleAndGlory.com  has a ton of useful information on style, intentionality, and true feminine radiance.

– See Elyse Winger’s article, “Clothes Talk”  at www.gathermagazine.org.

Priscilla A. Wainwright, Ph.D., CPC, is an empowerment coach for women on the rise.    She is founder of www.ScarvesStyleAndGlory.com, which sells scarves and offers  free style tips, style and empowerment coaching and The Women of Style and Glory Membership.    She is a member of St. Marks on the Hill Episcopal Church in Pikesville, Maryland.    She may be contacted through her website.

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