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7 commandments to follow, when considering a relationship.

By on November 26, 2018
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By Angela Meyer

I am a recovering “relationship-oholic.”

I was unconscious of my patterns, until I checked my track record and saw unforgiving similarities.

Like a moth seeking light from the “strong man glow,” my Bambi eyes were blinded by shining armor we thought could save me from myself.

Despite what Disney preached, our stories never ended with “happily ever after.”

The only sound we heard was that awful, “zzzzzziiiiittttttt” when the moth gets zapped from addiction to the flame.

After my last serious relationship “crashed and burned,” I knew what I had to do.

I would voluntarily sub myself out of the game, becoming a hermit on the sidelines.

Secluded in my yellow, sunny apartment, determined to reinvent myself.

I would uproot the archaic remnants of “Cinderella Fairytales,” once and for all.

I pulled a straight razor, from my own black boot, messy hair tilted back, open hands, pointing to a starry sky, and I danced…

Like a mad woman.  On roof tops.  Ripping off clothes of self-consciousness, bathed by the Lunar Eclipse. “Girls Gone Wild” dropped with a fierce feminine bass.

There were no wet T-shirt contests or Jello wrestling swimming pools, but I did unleash my bottled up “Banshee Moan” with a, “Charlie’s Angel- turned Savage- I don’t give a f*ck” lead character.

Enthusiasm, for just about everything, oozed out of my pores, previously clogged with “I think I need a hero to complete me,” blackhead lies.

If we measured passion on a scale of 1-10, I hovered around a solid eleven, so you could imagine the intensity my former partners endured.

#neveragain

Never again, would I lose myself so completely in another person.
My warrior spirit stepped up to the plate. Full of fire to slay demons and see through the eye of her own emotional hurricanes.

Unafraid to burn down, because she knew we were born to rise, more real, lived into, and deeply kind.

I turned my fight inward. With an imaginary shovel, excavating years of “I am not enough or maybe I’m too much” socialization.  I unearthed hidden fragments of a little girl who thought wolves were big, bad, and scary.

The storylines were outdated bullshit.

Sleeping Beauty kissed her own bright red lips in the mirror reflection.

“You and me girl.  We’ve got this. Let’s go to war.”

She looked deep into ancient eyes, and with a pre-fight stare down, welcomed her indomitable bones, back into her own brave skin.

No more hairy arms needed, to wrap around her lonely nights.

She was guarded under the fuzzy “wolf” blanket she bought by herself, for twenty dollars, at a black market corner store.

She would always fear the dark, but woke up with dreams of reintroducing herself.

This time, she did not reach for Prince Charming,

but rallied her sisters, instead.

“Who do we say we are?”

Almost a year later, I am emerging from a turtle shell of nunnery, with a new bombshell set of rules.

It will not always be easy.

Therefore, I have written guidelines of self respect for any relationship moving forward.

7 commandments to follow, when considering a relationship.

1. I will not put my life on hold, waiting by the phone for you to call or text.

Haven’t we all done this?  Or is it just me?

I confess, I have a tendency to get attached quickly and “back-burner” activities, friends, and basic life functioning. Obsessively checking my phone, ready to reschedule plans if the “sirens” call.  This behavior adds up in minutes, but more importantly, takes mental energy away from creative projects, and thoroughly enjoying my own company.

2.  I will not equate “until death do us part” as ownership, but as an everyday choice to be with you.

When I was in my early twenties, I remember sitting in my therapist’s office, cringing when he said the word, “marriage.” My body tensed up, and “jail” became immediate word association.

As a wiser woman, I am not “anti-marriage”.  I believe it can represent a powerful ritual of continuous choosing, but sometimes mistaken for, “I own you.”

I cannot “own” another human being.  Simultaneously, they cannot “own” me.  We choose each other, every day. This is the real, messy, intimate, transformative work of being “in love” and partnerships.

3. I swear to God, I will never fake another orgasm.

I have done extensive research and around 80% of women have faked an orgasm.  I do not stand above the choir.

Why, you may ask?

I was insecure.  I was tired and ready for this “uneventful event” to be over.  He kept asking, and I felt pressure.  I wanted him to like me.

Despite the grocery list of reasons, I commit to “never again.”

I’d rather gawk with awkward vulnerability, always tell the truth, and reclaim my sexuality as natural, powerful, exciting and void of shame.

(disclaimer: this has not happened in my most recent relationships.)

4. I will not be concerned if you like me, because I like myself way too much.

I know I am not everyone’s shot of whiskey, and I’m okay with that.

Your opinion of me, will not rock my self esteem.  I’m totally cool if you don’t like a crazy, black booted, “I like to punch people and laugh annoyingly loud” kind of love. There are billions of humans on this planet.  I’m positive, at least 10 will be smitten by my unconventional antics.

5.  I will not try to change you or “wait” for your potential to be actualized.

I have done this in previous relationships and it’s horribly unfair to all parties.  I will fall in love with your sweet face held between my current hands. Sure, you may have shadow sides and behaviors that annoy me, but that’s part of our complex, kaleidoscope journey.

It is not my job to change you, and you cannot change me.  We take responsibility for our own growth and create strategies for how we want to move forward together.

6.  I will not alter my plans with friends because you called, unless it’s an emergency.

I have a guilty “raise my hand” emoji with this one. I have a track record of entering relationships and falling off the world map.

It takes a tribe to get our needs met, an inner circle of emotional intimacy.

In the past, when I’ve entered a serious relationship, all my dear friends faded into “I only have time, when he is out of town.”

You will always be “my person,” but we will both stay diligent to our valued relationships, outside burning twin flames.

7. I will not get upset if you want to hang out with your friends, even if she’s beautiful, smart, and funny.

It’s not worth the time or energy, to be concerned, “Will you “cheat” on me?”  If it’s going to happen, I will have no control over the outcome. Why waste precious moments worrying?  We will build trust and communicate our feelings without accusations.

As I venture out of my celibate season, I will keep these commandments close to my heart.

I will take deep breaths, laugh often, be grateful and slow down…to always remember who I am, and who I have become.

I will cherish Saturday nights alone, inviting the company I love the most for a glass of wine, the one typing on her Mac Book Air.

I will always choose her.

She knows all my hidden secrets, shaking her head with compassion and endearment.

She is my first draft pick, on team “She became her own hero.”

We are the visionaries, authors, artists, producers, and inspirations of our own legendary stories.

Anyone else we invite into our cast, will be a character in our Academy Award winning, real life, memoir.

Choose wisely, you are worth it.

 

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angela`Angela Meyer is a Washington, D.C. based writer, seasoned teacher of yoga, black belt in self-defence, and a competitive martial artist. In addition to movement arts, Angela works at an AIDS hospice, is an end-of-life care counselor, Buddhist chaplain, and founder of www.warriorwomanrepublic.com. She has a deep passion for justice and loves good beer.

Follow her on Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/angela.meyer.3760 and Instagram:  @warriorwomanrepublic.

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