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If Love is the Answer, What Do You Do with Unloving People?

By on December 17, 2016
unloving people

By Crystal Andrus Morissette 

It’s the holidays, and although we can get caught up in the commercialism of it, we all know that love is the reason for the season.

But what do you do when you’ve had too many arguments and dysfunction with the people you are ‘supposed to’ love the most: your family?

How do you rectify the reality that is as loving as you try to be, and want to be, you feel unloved and maybe even unloving when you and your ‘loved ones’ get together?

Perhaps, you’ve asked yourself the same questions I have:

If love is the answer, what do I do with the unloving people in my life–especially during the holidays? Do I spend time with them regardless of how I feel or should I stop attending altogether?

This is where self-reflection, honesty, and self-awareness become your most valuable tools. Everything in life is a choice, whether you see it or not.

The truth is, it’s challenging to look at yourself to see where you are wounded, triggered, and emotionally unhealthy, and yet unless you do, you can’t honestly know what part of the ‘drama’ is yours and what is theirs.

Is it ten percent you and 90 percent them?  Is it 50-50–are you both to blame? God forbid, what if it’s 90 percent you and only ten percent them, and you can’t see it?

I try to remind myself rarely can we see ourselves the way that others see us; rarely do we see ourselves as we are.

Denial (Didn’t Even Notice I Am Lying) is a powerful mechanism of the brain that prevents us from owning and healing our part in our messy relationships and unhealthy patterns.

And then projection (another coping mechanism) convinces us that what we are feeling, seeing, hearing, and experiencing has little to do with us and everything to do with them: “It’s not me; it’s you! It’s your fault!”

Here’s the thing:
 
Before your family get-togethers breakdown to the point where mine has (we do not spend any time with our extended family), I strongly advise that you do the work to Heal Your Self.

It’s much harder to come back together and to try to be a ‘united front’ after years of stalemates and stonewalling.

And although healthy boundary setting is crucial in figuring this all out, I’m telling you firsthand that every relationship is a negotiation and as long as you are all willing to keep the lines of communication open, you have a chance to heal.

I always dreamed of having a big happy family full of love and celebrations, and I still believe in that idea. I’m confident it will unfold with my children, their partners, their partners’ families, and maybe grandchildren (one day), but I also wonder if it will also be with my siblings and parents, nieces and nephews?

The question is: Is healing your family important to you? Is it important to them? Are you willing to do the work? All of you?

Here is my best advice if you are feeling unsure about how to proceed this holiday season: Heal Your Self and don’t ever give up on love; it is the reason for the season. In the meantime, protect your heart from abuse. Set a boundary if you need to. Self-love always precedes their love. It has to. Take care of you but keep your heart open.

Miracles do come true . . . if it is important to you.

Happy Holidays,
xox

Crystal

 

perfectCrystal Andrus Morissette is a best-selling author and the founder of this magazine, SimplyWoman.com, as well as The S.W.A.T. Institute (Simply Woman Accredited Trainer)–an Empowerment Coach Certification school, exclusively for women.

From life as a homeless teen to coaching A-List celebrities, from having abs of steel and the Miss Galaxy to weighing over 200 pounds after having babies, Emotional Age and Communication Expert Crystal Andrus Morissette is a worldwide leader in the field of self-discovery and personal transformation.

A media darling, she has been featured numerous times on Oprah.com, the New York Post, Fox TV, the Daily Mail, CBS Radio, CTV, CityTV, Global TV, Slice TV, the Globe and Mail, and the Toronto Star. Crystal is the author of four best-selling books, including her latest release entitled, “The Emotional Edge: Discover Your Inner Age, Ignite Your Hidden Strengths and Reroute Misdirected Fear to Live Your Fullest.” She is also certified in nutrition and sports medicine.

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